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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: dreamer
    ASL Info:    15,F,y should i tell u
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 107/146/39
    Words: 32
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 854
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 180


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    the sun ran for a world unknown;
    the earth was left cold and alone.
    the night was given the world,to have his way.
    freedom is his when gone is the day.

    Submitted on 2005-03-29 02:26:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      it could have been longer and maybe have had a few more detail. the write sounds good spoken. I'm not so sure what it's supposed to mean.. to me the message is unclear. with a little work i think this write could be spectacular.. you're on the right path! <33
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by sum12luv | [ Reply to This ]
      I too think this needs more to it. perhaps something to make it hit home. maybee this:

    His grip in ensconced as hell's flame
    Releases only when the world lays maime
    Absence of light to heal the soul
    Festers death to fill the whole

    if you like this then feel free to use it. Or possible enhance it with your good style.

    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      I would love to see a rewrite of this. The idea is good. Try exploring the englich language more. Play with synonyms and see what you can change to improve it and call me in for a reread :0
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd like to be different and say i liked this poem... it does have a meaning to it if you're not too blind to see it! I think its a very good job... short and sweet and i liked the language used! Well done, keep the faith.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the sound of some of the phrasing, but i agree with cordell on the need for some revisions, but i like the first two lines just as they are.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm don't like it! Could of been more & added more expression towards it! Hit me up with u revise this poem peace & stay safe...
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]

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