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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Belief in Coinsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DevilDinosaur
    ASL Info:    28/M/MR American
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 293/197/46
    Words: 262
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 920
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1685



    Description:
       Old poem, written in a style that is a little less strict than what I usually adhere to. The rhythm, to me, always brought Bob Dylan to mind. Anyway, after a few revisions this is what came out. I put it in the religous category because it's funny to me to do so.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBelief in Coinsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The streetlight shows red,
    Though there's no car to stop.
    Where two streets intersect,
    You can hear a pin drop.
    But the city's too still,
    All sterility and silence,
    Seeming full of ill-will,
    And thinly veiled violence.

    So I should step through the door
    Or quicken my pace,
    But there's a penny underfoot
    Showing heads on its face.
    And I know of two gifts
    That are granted by such.
    One gift is portent,
    The other is luck.

    And luck can buy more
    Than at first it may seem,
    Especially when spent
    In pursuit of one's dreams.
    So I think to myself
    On this recurring theme,
    When one pockets omens
    To further his schemes.

    How many snapshots
    Of time show this scene:
    Faith placed in a fetish
    To ward off the unseen,
    Or when all things are equal,
    In each and every detail,
    To add just enough weight
    To tip fate's crooked scales?

    But of the act of coin-flipping,
    The same could be asked,
    For it has often been used
    To set one to his task.
    For from one side of the coin
    There's one choice to be gleaned
    And from the flipside the other
    Will decides one's routine.

    So I pick between wives' tales
    (Impatience wins out),
    And flip the coin in the air
    To settle my doubt:
    Do I complete my journey
    At Six Sunday morning,
    Or return to my home
    If the coin sounds a warning?




    Submitted on 2005-03-29 04:04:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, Phantom Pen was right when she said I'd like your poetry... and this is only the first I've read. Pennies and I have a long relationship as well. I wrote a similar piece once, but mine was just a senreyu. I love the sonic level of your poetry. You rhyme, not quite.. it's mostly assonance... but enough, so that it isn't grating. Your rhythm feels off to me, though. When one uses rhyme, it accentuates lack of meter. My suggeston would be to try to define a meter for the piece and stick with it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there Just Chris, I am a Dylan fan and this is awesome. Can't you just hear it though?
    Your stories always have a certain sage overtone, like a tale Grampa would tell, and this is no exception. I doubt there has ever been so much written,-so well, on finding a penny.

    The first strophe, creates a softly eerie twilight -zone effect, slightly menacing, and leads naturally to the decision making procees in the second. The second is a treasure, my favorite lines being-
    "And I know of two gifts
    That are granted by such.
    One gift is portent,
    The other is luck."

    Again that sage tone, of an Ancient beckons the reader on, and hints at more compelling thoughts to follow. The meter stays true throughout, most lines being roughly three feet, 5-6 syllables. You might want to shorten one line here, -
    "In which one pockets omens"

    It's a little bit of a trick to say inwhichone pocket omens- Perhaps " Where one pockets omens" would work for scansion.

    Similarlly the thord line of the next stanza,
    "Where faith is placed in a fetish " is a tad too long to roll off the tongue as seamlessly as the rest. This line is preceded by a semi colon, so I think you can get away with "Faith placed in a fetish -" as an appositive to "this scene"

    From there it trips along like a stroll in the park. I love the way you can expound on the simple everyday occurences with the eye of a 4 year old, and the infinite wisdom of a wily philosopher. But the choice is not clear, and instead of telling us what is right, you end witha question, -like a riddle, or perhaps a test.
    "Do I complete my journey
    At 6 AM Sunday morning,
    Or return to my home
    If the coin sounds a warning?"

    Here again, the second line reads too long.That is because you don't need both AM and morning, for that is redundant, -"At six Sunday morning" says the the same thing and scans better.

    As for me " 6AM Sunday?-well there must have been a helluva good reason for me to get out of bed, get dressed and wander into the streets. I would pick up the penny and "Sally forth" LOL

    Good one Chris
    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this read and in a very small way, it reminded me a little of one of Frost's poems when he comes to the bend in the road and decides to follow the path with no footsteps.
    I enjoyed the story here, the early morning with no sign of life, the change meeting with a coin and then the struggle with decision.
    The rhyme was very even here, no problem with that. An enjoyable read.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this poem may be old but I like its style and the topic is quite original. To me it flows well as it's being read and keeps the reader (that's me) wanting to see it through to the end. It had me thinking of the many times I've casually flipped a coin to decide about something. I love the way it starts out at an intersection, then moves along to where you descover the penny, then use it to decide you next move. Well written in my opinion.

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I will never think of a coin in the same way again...haha j/k I love how the flow goes in this poem its very smooth... It tells of all old superstitions and traditional coin usage...I love it.
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by SammySueYou | [ Reply to This ]


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