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    dots Submission Name: Mickey Mouse Has My WOmandots

    Author: BenCollier
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 425/386/88
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 577
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1177

       Longing, the first time she is away from me.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMickey Mouse Has My WOmandots

    A simple vacation, apart for a time
    Empty rooms and memories sublime
    To awake in the morn alone in our bed
    Reach out for the comfort, a moment of dread
    I feel no warmth curled up next to me
    I hear no soft murmur, I long for thee

    Away for a time, with family and friend
    Enjoy the moment, a time to mend
    Do you feel as I do, pained and alone?
    Hurt from within, set as a stone
    I know you miss me as much as I you
    Fly home to me, with deeper love anew

    To walk these rooms, no laughter of sound
    Every crevice I see you, your memory abound
    An unfinished painting, the piano unplayed
    A testament of a life, a life to be made
    When you return Iíll realize relief
    A fountain of happiness, love beyond belief

    Soon we will be wed, as husband and wife
    To begin our lifeís book, a shared song of life
    Our families will merge, our hearts conjoined
    Renounce our pasts and the passion purloined
    The next vacation together we embark
    To Disney World again, or wherever on a lark

    Submitted on 2005-03-29 10:32:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      LoL....I dunno if i loved the title ..or if i was disturbed by it *sigh* ....It did add a giggle to this peice...But then i dont know if i was wrong to be giggling ...I think it was there to add a light hearted feeling to it ...I dont know ...Im kinda tired...So im sorry for being ..all over the place lol ...I did so enjoy this though ...Everytime i see a poem like this it gives me a little faith ...Blessed be
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes the message was so darn sweet,but your rhyme seemed force. One can feel your renew passion battling your loneliness. to melike Sierramuse wrote, love poems are better, when they are done in freeverse. Here's Why, it can stay more real.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      awe... very sweet. the loss of a loved one every for a single lonely night is painful. makes one appreciate company so much.
    sleep well it will great when she returns.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by NeonOrangePrize | [ Reply to This ]
      this is very touching and unusual coming from a man (no offense). stylistically, it doesn't sound like you, though, and I think the rhyme is a little forced and a little off in places. I hope that you will not take this the wrong way. I am sure this poem is very special to you and I would not want to ruin that, however I do think it needs some work. now I am not an expert and not the last word so you can disregard my comments altogether but please don't be offended or mad. it is just my opinion on this particular poem. also I am not fond of rhyming poems for the most part and concentrate my efforts on free verse, so maybe I am not even the person to ask. I do love the theme and your deep feeling in the poem. It is apparent that you are a very caring individual and should be commended. so please don't be mad at my criticisms!
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      absence makes the heart grow fonder!!!! while she is away, take a moment to bond with ppl too... hope you shared it with her, and be carefull with the phone bill during this time : )
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
      Woah. Really touching. I love the words. They're all so very descriptive. This poem tells exactly what needs to be said. I really enjoyed this. I love how the title tells where your love went. And how you describe what you miss about her. I can almost visualize a shadowy figure looking in an empty hall, her laughter echoing in his ears. He turns to pictures on the wall, and crise silent tears. Woah. I just rhymed. lol. A small poem that reviews yours. Your poem is going straight to my faves.
    | Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by Areinaka | [ Reply to This ]

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