Description: This is slightly based off of a prompt I saw that said "What would you do if you lived in a perfect world?" Well, I didn't exactly write it as thugh I lived in a perfect world, I will admit that, it's written a lot more about what that perfect world could/would be like.
Any comments are welcome, and if you decide to try that prompt, let me know; I'd love to see how yours turns out. Oh, and this is most definitely my first draft, so if there are any mistakes please, Please, PLEASE tell me!
A Perfect World -------------------------------------------
I see a world of black and white
With need for color
I cannot think
I do not realize
I am unaware
I could travel under a cloak of darkness
For there would be no thieves
No need for cops
For there would never be any robberies
Walking through broad daylight
I see friends, neighbors, family
I know them all
Everyone works perfect days
Eight hours
With a lunch break in the middle
No overwork
No stress
And the kids enjoy their time
Learning nothing whatsoever
During their time at school
Learning creates individuality
Learning leads to thinking
So kids just “learn” to be good citizens
Seeing only black and white
Never a need for color
There are no artists
No modern art
No traditionalists
There is no religion
To enforce differences of opinion
There is no music
No dance
Enhancing free expression
There are no shades of gray
Only black and white
As we live in a perfect world
I cannot see
I cannot think
I cannot promote individuality
I can only live
I am very thrown off by the nature of this work. You are saying that the perfect world is one with no struggle, nothing but a black and white existance with no pain, no pleasure, no pride and no humiliation. I can't accept that. I believe that we live in the real perfect world, and that the ultimate perfection of the human race is our ability and drive to withstand trial and shape ourselves into something better. On that note, it is an excellent cautionary tale, only slightly marred by your own small shortcomings in word choice. This may actually be a saving grace of the poem, though, as it enhances the idea of perfection dampening the will to exceed.
OMG! People go to work in the perfect world. Maybe if there's no modern art I could tolerate it. lol :). Anyway its a noble attempt to capture some notion of a perfect world and how we might be more happy with our imperefctions. Actually we are so deeply dyed by the conditioned colours of this existence I guess we just imagine perfection as some semi-conscious state of non-awareness - like sleeping in or something. This reminds of low quality religious propaganda where they have a cheesy picture of heaven where everyone is having a picnic and jesus is doing the social circuit to make sure everyone has enough soft drink or something. We are such lazy oafs when it comes to perfection ...
After reading the other comments on this poem, I think they pretty much covered what i wanted to say. Your poem makes me think of one of those old black and white television shows where everyone and everything seems perfect. But then someone from reality gets sucked in by the twilight zone (another tv reference). They are looking at all of the things that the people in the show think are perfect and yet they see that in reality the people are merely drones. That there is no color or art to express themselves. Oh it just hit me- its like that movie Pleasantville. Everything begins in black and white and no one has art or music, but as the color forms people begin to see the beauty that could be. Ok well i think i am beginning to ramble - which in my opinion is a good thing for your poem because it shows that it got me thinking. Ok well Great poem. I hope to read more of your work. -April
good poem. even though i cannot help you out with anything like the stanzas and stuff like that that are in poems, cause i just write my story's. i just ran into this one cause i was bored, and was hitting the random member thing. it caught my eye, and then i sucked me in. i love the way to change the word 'perfect' to something that most people wouldn't even consider. good write.
When I first started reading this I actually thought you were talking about your idea of a perfect world, but when I came to the middle I realized I was mistaken! I mean, I hope I was (correct me if I'm wrong), because I cannot imagine a perfect world being black and white and insipid with robots as people.
Just wanted to point out that in the second stanza:
"I could travel under a cloak of darkness For there would be no thieves No need for cops For there are never any robberies"
you mixed the verb tenses ("for there WOULD be no thieves...for there WOULD never BE any robberies"). I think it would stay great if you did that with the verb tenses in different stanzas, giving the perception of time difference or what exists and what are merely "could bes".
Hmm. In a perfect world, there is no Passion? What an odd concept. I see what you mean, though. You change the idea of "perfect" around to fit a world in which structure reigns instead of idealism. Not a nice world for an artist to think about, that's for sure. Excellent idea. I've never even considered it.
"I could travel under cloak of darkness"
Did you mean "a cloak of darkness"? There is no descriptor on "cloak".
"I know them all Tom, Chuck, Sue, Dave"
I would take out the names. I get the concept of having the names there, but actually using them instead of just inferring that the people exist interrupts the flow and takes the reader's mind off of what else is going on in your "perfect world". Otherwise I wouldn't have written all this about it!
Submission Name: A Perfect World
