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Deep inside of me,
My pain grows.
It builds up inside of me,
Weighing me down,
And I do not know what to do.
Where do I go,
When you are gone?
They hurt, for the tears pour,
Cascading like a mighty waterfall.
When will it end?
Tossed around like a toy.
When does it end?
Slowly, blood pours out of them.
Sharp, blood stained knife,
Will you ever go away?
His eyes cry,
He stares into mine as I into his
Torn into pieces...
What do I do?
| i disagree with you nathan, i think that this is a great write and that you judge your own work to harshly, no matter what you write the chances that you'll think it's great are slim because you are your own worst critic (or so they say, whoever they are)...anyway the flow was great, the idea was well expressed/worded, in your poems there always seems to be a lot of feeling and this was no exception...great work, i hope you always keep writing...i wanted to return the compliment you paid me (when you said i could be another poe, rice, or anything i wanted), but i don't know who to compare you to, you seem utterly original...like no author/poet before you||| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ] || i disagree with xtremenglentleman.. and with you too.. i think its a really good poem! its cute... you can notice that it has feelings inside...i dont know how to explain.. do i make myself clear? well i donno. in my opinion i liked it a lot... i enjoyed it very good work!!||| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by anita_89 | [ Reply to This ] || There is nothing horribly poem with this poem. However it is dry. It does not contain anything different from any other poem. Nothing extroardinary. It's pretty malnutritious. Give it some meat!|
|| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ] || I disagree with you, I think this is a really good write. I can see where you coming froma nd you put across your feelings very well. I really like the comparisons you have used aswell, such as the toy and the knife. They were fantastic. I noticed a small typo, I think;|
"They hurt for the tears pour"
should have been
"They hurt for the tears that pour"
I know that's not a big problem but every little helps eh?! As for the title, I think this is a personal feature which the writer chould decide on themselves, I will suggest however that you may like to use one of your comparisons from the write for your title. Sometimes leaving poems of this nature untitled though adds to the poem .. have a think about it.
|| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by Star_searcher | [ Reply to This ] |