Autumn Leaves by mcgovern

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Submission Name: Autumn Leaves dots

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Author:	mcgovern_xiii
ASL Info:	35/M/NewEngland
Elite Ratio:	4.13 - 70/91/26
Words:	244

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	323
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1191

Description:

Autumn Leaves dots

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I saw you there, you moved with the wind.
Across the room, the colors of autumn.
You wore a smile but you were alone like me.
We danced with the moon till the morning chased away,
The chill that was or could never be.

Was yesterday only a dream?
Nothing ever turns
The shade of a tree.
The old man waits
& Autumn leaves,
when yesterday was only a dream

I saw you there, A fragile leaf moves with the wind.
Falls into my heart and breaks again.
Like the colors of autumn, you wore a smile.
You were not alone, and I wished it was me.
Till the sun chased away the chill and the dream

Time has been a lie upon my lips
And in your arms I was but a fool
Like love that falls & autumn leaves.
Tomorrow is and only what it seams.
All is but a dream inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream,
inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream.

Submitted on 2005-03-29 18:47:44 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey McGovern

"I am kind of curious as to what you might remove or add, let me know when you have some time. Terence McGovern"

I have work on it ;0) Here is a version ;0)

I do not know if you like it, but I did try ;0)

Keep writing ;0)

KNS

I saw you there moving with the wind.
Across the room in colours of autumn
you wore a smile, alone
We danced with the moon
till the morning chased away,
In the chill that could never be.

Was yesterday a dream?
Nothing ever turns
shades of a tree.
The old man waits in autumn leaves,
yesterday, was only a dream

I saw you there, leafs moved with the wind.
Felt my heart broke again.
You wore a smile, not alone
Like the colours of autumn
I whish it was me dancing
Till the sun chased
the chill and the dream away

Time has been a lie
in your arms I was just a fool
Like love that falls like autumn leaves.
Tomorrow is what only seams.
All but a dream inside a dream,
inside a dream, inside a dream,
inside a dream,
| Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Terence, I can't say that this reminded me of any other poem I've read. I like the theme of autumn as a backdrop to longing for a lost love. The only idea I might suggest would be to describe your love in somewhat impressionistic way. Seeing her/him as a physical person seems like valid idea. But if you do this I would be brief. The poem stands on it's own without it, nice work, thanks for sharing.
peace and love,
nansofast
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey mcgovern_xiii

Nice poem ;0). I have read it a couple of times and must say that I like the rhythm and the way you are paying with the words ;0) It gives a nice smooth feeling, like the colours of autumn. I must say, that I think you could by removing or change some of the words in the poem, make it even more interesting. Nice to see other ideas ;0)

Keep writing ;0)

KNS
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
  I am in love with this. REALLY hard. I just want to...cook it in a pie and eat it... Or shove it into my heart and keep it there forever
(sorry I think there is vodka in my pepsi)
Anyway this was just lovely. A beautiful poem. Gourgus. Love love love love. All I can say. Not much for being a critic...I am just in love...with this...<3
| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by Cigarette Smoke | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, I'm a gentle poet, but a hard critic. I can well understand if you don't appreciate my comments, but I am trying to be helpful.
"I saw you there, you moved with the wind.
Across the room, the colors of autumn.
You wore a smile but you were alone like me.
We danced with the moon till the morning chased away,
The chill that was or could never be."
You have attempted something impossibly difficult - to be original on the "Some enchanted evening across a crowded room" theme. Although your feelings may be new, the idea isn't and it comes across as clichéd. The only way to get away with an old theme is to have a completely new angle or strikingly original vocabulary.
"Was yesterday only a dream?"
If you ask a rhetorical question, your audience is always tempted to give you the answer you least expect. It is a dangerous technique.
"Nothing ever turns
The shade of a tree."
What do you mean? What particular shade is a tree anyway and why shouldn't a lot of things turn that particular shade?

"The old man waits
& Autumn leaves, "

Apart from the use of the ampersand which I find lazy, where did this old man come from?

"when yesterday was only a dream
I saw you there, A fragile leaf moves with the wind.
Falls into my heart and breaks again."

You seem to confuse the use of the comma and the full-stop. What on earth would be wrong with a more conventional and much more understandable:
"When yesterday was only a dream
I saw you there. A fragile leaf moves with the wind,
Falls into my heart and breaks again."

"Like the colors of autumn, you wore a smile. "
There is difference between the above and :"You wore a smile like the colours of autumn." I suspect you actually mean the latter and not the former, so why not say it.
"You were not alone, and I wished it was me." You probably mean :"You were with another and I wished I were him" so once again, why not say the obvious?
"Till the sun chased away the chill and the dream" that word "Till" is useful and will work better if you swap dream and chill thus:"Till the sun chased away the dream and the chill". That final position emphasizes the half rhyme effect.

"Time has been a lie upon my lips
And in your arms I was but a fool
Like love that falls & autumn leaves."
A simile should add a dimension of meaning. Why is a fool like autumn leaves? Why not try:
"With my love that fell like autumn leaves"? Now the simile illustrates love and not the fool.
"Tomorrow is and only what it seams." I think you mean "seems"!
"All is but a dream inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream,
inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream." We get the message, but as you are talking about compression why not demonstrate it with something like:"All is a Russian doll of nested dreams"? Instead of trying to write it out longhand.
| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey wow, I can't believe no one has commented on this...really nice job. Your poem (although the topic has been written about many times) was quite unique the way you took the idea of a relationship that didn't quite work and personified the idea of the autumn leaves and made it seem to the reader that relationships are forever changing as time and ultimately, autumn leaves. Very nice concept and originality and I applaud you for it. Your last lines spoke to me...the whole repitition of "inside a dream...". Those lines made your point shout clear and loud and anyone who tells you they don't like the repitition...well, I don't believe they understand the fervor from which you were writing this. You were obviously influenced by some very strong emotions in your last stanza. Very well written and grouped- I'll say it again, I still can't believe no one has commented. I believe I'll add it to my favorites and I don't think I've seen you around much on the site, but I hope to be reading more from you!

---wandering
| Posted on 2005-03-29 00:00:00 | by wanderingpoet16 | [ Reply to This ]

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