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the call


Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 87
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 671
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 549



Description:




the call



With each breath I take,
I ache and break.
Relive each mistake
that brought me here.
holding back the words,
keeping my anger inside,
let you decide
my fate.
you called, and I jumped
raced to the door.
kept asking for more
then you gave.
Siting alone in the dark
with my bottle of wine
remote in my hand
the phone by my side
the tears flow to the floor
as the machine picks up the call
and it is not you.





Submitted on 2005-03-30 00:11:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like how the words worked together
in a way that brings the anticipation and the
frustration of the expected not eventuating.
The irregularity of line lengths can be taken in two
ways - one heightens the angstsy feeling and
the other would be that it could actually disturb the
flow of reading with the eyes or maybe even aloud.
| Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by arkayye | [ Reply to This ]
  Although I do see the cliché' I still liked it. For some strange reason the only part I didn't like was when you said "remote in my hand" I would definately not have put that in there. Besides that, I think it was very well written!
| Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Geraldine | [ Reply to This ]
  I love your writing... I just recently got a divorce after being married for 7 years and your bottle of wine and I have met. Your poem drummed up images of myself in the wreck that I was when things started to go bad.
| Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by Al | [ Reply to This ]
  I see that everyone is using word "cliché" to describe this poem. Bit I don't think so. This is a simple write about something we all have been through. Interesting point you made when you said "let you decide
my fate", it's a mistake I've made too often.
I like how you described your situation of waiting for a phone call, with details we all know, and using simple words. It's exactly how it looks like.
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
  I see that everyone is using word "cliché" to describe this poem. Bit I don't think so. This is a simple write about something we all have been through. Interesting point you made when you said "let you decide
my fate", it's a mistake I've made too often.
I like how you described your situation of waiting for a phone call, with details we all know, and using simple words. It's exactly how it looks like.
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
  Your poem started off with clich'es, then came the raw feelings that saved your poem.

My suggestion would be to revised the first part, starting from this point:

With each breath that I take,
I ache and I break,
relive each mistake
that brought me here.
I held back the words,
kept my anger inside
let you decide
my fate.

From here to your ending,it's working very well
If you notice in the first part, you use far more I's then in the second half. If you would like more help, I will gladly help you,just pm me.
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  Now I am so glad that you seek complementary reviewing cause that lets me just read and enjoy a piece. This was written extremely well so breezy, so easy. I really enjoyed this "moment of longing" you shared clearly vividly.
~smile always with love Cheryl~
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this piece is somewhat clichéd (seems to be the word of the day here), but I could feel what you were feeling and I like it. I can relate, and I think that is what is important in a piece. The disappointment is so raw, it makes ME sad. Only thing, I would change "then you gave." to "than you gave."
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by redthewitch | [ Reply to This ]


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