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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I remember...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Yousef
    ASL Info:    26/M/Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 468/203/22
    Words: 349
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Longing
    Total Views: 1234
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1917



    Description:
       I rewrote this one to be much better and much easier to be read. This is considered to be one of my favorites because I lived it, felt it and then wrote it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI remember...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember
    When we used to talk,
    When we used to listen to each other,
    I remember when I told you that I love another girl,
    I remember it being the biggest mistake in my life,
    I remember when I was asked if I love you and I said no,
    And I remember it being the second biggest mistake in my life

    I remember
    When I realized that you are the one I want,
    That you are the only one for me,
    And that my life doesn&#8217;t mean any thing without you,
    I also remember when I realized that I have nothing if I don&#8217;t have you,
    I remember the first time I dreamt of you
    And the last time I dreamt of you,
    I also remember all the dreams in between that I had about you,
    And the most important thing I remember;
    Are those dreams that I had about us
    About the life that I dreamt of making with you
    And the family that I dreamt of raising with you,
    I remember the time when I was going to tell you all this
    And I also remember that I found out it was too late!

    I don&#8217;t know who should I blame? Me or you!
    Me for being late
    Or you for not giving me the chance to tell you how I really feel,
    Me for leaving you to be with someone who doesn&#8217;t deserve you,
    Or you for choosing the wrong one to be with,
    Me for dreaming of something I can&#8217;t have
    Or you for leaving my true love and searching for a fake one,
    Me for misleading my heart,
    Or you for not facing me from the start!

    I know that I left my heart with you,
    And that every thing is probably over now,
    And I don&#8217;t know what do I expect from you after I wrote this?
    But at least&#8230;Can you give me my heart back?

    Yousef Hani




    Submitted on 2005-03-30 06:18:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      You have been patted on the back for this poem alot and these people love your work. How does that feel? This is a good write. The emotions could be stronger, but I like it anyways. I hope that you find a way or have already found a way to get this loved one back at your side.
    Loveage,
    Mike
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      I knew this was a good poem, judging by all teh comments and, BAM! I was better than good, its was unbelievable. The way it was written and the ending, and the ending! It stopped me straight in my tracks and the last part,
    "But at least…Can you give me my heart back?"

    i've thought about using that sort of concept many a time but, i couldnt ever get it to end like that...

    wow!! ^.~ i totally like this one! uber great job!
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Maki | [ Reply to This ]
      This was more of a story to me... more of what I, perhaps, also lived once. It's heart breaking to know that the shaff was not torn away from the grain in your relationship.. not separated away from your soul mate. It's funny was the emotions of jelousy can do... for I'm sure you felt different when she sought out someone else too. It was years before I got my heart back from the person I had an encouter like this with. I hope yours has returned and is fully mended... ready... to TRULY love another... and give ALL your emotion to. But in the end, chalk it up to a lesson learned on your voyage thru life! Cheers!
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Isaac | [ Reply to This ]
      This poetry broke my heart...I hate lost love and bad endings. You said you edited this in your description to read smoother and it is a smooth read for me. I read your remorse of what could and should have been if "only"...You asked at the end of this poem "I know that I left my heart with you,
    And that every thing is probably over now,
    And I don’t know what do I expect from you after I wrote this?
    But at least…Can you give me my heart back?" and I in my veteran years of heartbreaks lol found this to be true...you make a choice to give your heart/soul to another...and that is what you have to do to regain it...make that choice and reclaim it unto yourself again. Only you can do this...believe me. Great write. `always write poetry, Cheryl.
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]
      Break ups are never good. I've been in your situation, not know what I want, just knowing I want something and going with the wrong impulse. Fortunately I didn't leave the girl of my dreams, but I still miss her friendship. Enough about me, overall the poem is very good. Very deep, your emotions are written out well, it is sad to read, but a good write. I hope things work out for you. Good Luck
    | Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi how are you ?
    I like your poem it comes straight from your heart.
    Now to the poem you remember a lot of things, but do you also remember that you broke her heart? dont get me wrong, it is just that it hurts. You are realizing now that you have made same mistakes ( we all do ) but as you have written it might be to late. Well I hope you won't mind my words, it is just that I can relate to it.
    Anyway wish you all the best. With love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      WOw, just as everyone else..i love this piece. I can relate to it and that only makes it seem more pasionate. you are an amazing writer, one that i could sit and read for hours and hours on end. dont ever quit writing, you have a gift. I know what it is like to have a heart ripped out and all you want is for it back. I wish you the best of luck with the girl and the writing...keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh man. I'm so sorry. Sorry you have to be inspired by the lonliness of past mistakes. You must move on. The inspiration is everywhere to be found. You have a good way of writing but I must not read another one of these sappy love seeped sob stories or I fear I may not stop to read another of your posts. I'm sorry for such a harsh comment. It's just that I feel you as a very competent writer who with work like this is only wasting talent. Though my opinion doean't mean a thing. There are plenty of people out there who will feel this and give you an audience. I'm just not one of them. I shall stop on another of your posts and give you another chance. Thanks. -sin
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
      ill just add this to the stack of comments...this is very deep, I really liked how you wrote this, the feelings you conveyed, so much more interesting and meaningful because I can relate...I think that poetry and writing about love and expressions of love are the most influential things that can be written, can be remembered, and this is definitely a piece as such. Just wanted to say this made me think just a little, and made me remember a lot, though a poem like this means more to you than it ever could to me, I was still moved. Great write.

    ps. do you really live in Egypt? in what city?

    tony
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      What you have here is well written and very sincere. I think that in order to present it as poetry it needs a careful cleaning of everything that doesn't seem absolutely necessary. It is a written revelation, somewhat like a journal, and for that purpose it stands well just as is. To be seen as artistic, I would edit out everything but the absolute core and see how it sounds. Thanks for sharing this one,
    peace and love,
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I read it the first time and liked it, I read it this time and love it. Did you ever tell her? Did you ever send this to her? If you did and she's anything like me it would've made her melt right back into your arms where it appears she belongs. Do you still love her? Sorry to be nosy but those are the questions I thought of. Most deffinately on my favorites list..Thanks for writing to me and telling me about this improvement I appreciate it. Good luck with finding love to replace the lost one...or finding the lost one again.

    Blessed Be!
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, and the hamster with a stand mike is hilarious! I love it! (((More words here; more words here)))
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel that this was written for you yourself, much more than for an anonymous reader. It's very straightforward and matter-of-fact. The clincher comes in the last line, "But at least…Can you give me my heart back?". There's such a poignant feel to that -- like "I can't see how I could ever do that for myself; you've got to do it."... Were you to write this for the anonymous reader, I think it would come out much differently, but I think I understand it at least in part -- just the way it is. Thanks for sharing.
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      A very heartfelt poem... if only it was as easy as just asking for your heart back and then being able to get on with life without any regrets.

    This is good in that it keeps repeating the same themes: 'I remember', 'my fault or your fault?' and there is definitely a lot of emotion packed into this work. My only criticism is that it is just slightly on the long side, if it was me i would consider either rephrasing or taking out some of the long 2nd and 3rd sections, or maybe dividing the longest one up into smaller bits that are easier to read. But if you think that all of the content is important, then leave it in, it's your poem. Also, Clayton's has a point when he says that there's not much rhythm, but the repetition at the beginning of the lines does give the poem good structure, so its not too much of a problem.

    Sorry if there seems to be a lot of criticism there, i do like this poem very much! Especially the last line.

    Overall, a good write!
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm. some random thoughts. can see you dwell on past memories but who doesnt? i dont think anyone can give their opionion on if its good or bad. its thoughts. thoughts are your own. no one can really judge them. well i can only speak for myself. but i liked how you opened out. not holding anything back. you had alot of emotion writing this probably. could tell by the way you wrote it. but i cant say if i dislike it or like it. hmm. thats all.

    -soomie
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. Oh, lost love is painful. I know situations like this far too well. In my mind, now that I've lived and learned a good bit, I know that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Every time we go through things like this we learn from it. And when things just don't go in our favor we must learn to pick ourselves up and use our newly aquired knowledge in the future. Love is by far the most complicated, yet simple thing that God grants us all. It also defies definition.

    About the piece in a poetic sense...

    I agree with Clayton that it's siding very closely with prose. But it could really be either poetry or prose. If you have a certain intent that it should be one and not the other, you should definately make that very clear. Another thing that I think would really aid this piece would some metahporical bits here and there. Spice it up a bit. Although I will say that the straightforward-ness is part of what makes the emotion in the piece so effective.

    I think you've got some direction with this piece. I definately see something here with a great deal of potential. Anyhoo...hope that helped.

    Beautiful work my dear. And best of luck to ya.

    <3<3<3

    -Samantha
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      My sincere and honest opinion is this;
    This is a great story, a wonderful sediment and very touching.
    What do you wish it to be, poetry or a story?
    A great story needs longer lines and greater connection to those lines to the subject in a paragraph.
    Poetry, needs a rythum- a catchy gant which also connects each line.
    Connection does not stop there with rhythm and paragraphs, no it also needs to connect with the reader!
    Poetry is more than just a series of long and short lines, although 'free verse' has little to call guidlines. however Poetry will always make one wish to read on if it is well written. A story also must make you read on but it is the curiosity of the next chapter that drives the reader to turn pages.
    So, you must make a choice; which must it be?
    Either way, there are still slight alterations you might need to attend to.
    Others might read this and offer much praise- but is it to just get a long enough comment to satisfy the forum requirements?
    As I might tell anyone, I truely am passionate about how Poetry is presented. Writing has many facets, and many ways of expression. You have classed this as random thoughts, and so it reads as such. To me random thoughts are found in a journal or diary, and then are restructured into a masterpiece to tug at ones heart and make us feel your pain and love expressed in the movment of the words.
    Poetry does not always say it forthright, just as a good book never reveals its plot before its time.
    I hope you now feel my true thoughts here. Neither do I feel displeasure or abundant praise because this style of writing is rather commonly written and posted. The reason being it is a "Oh how I screwed up my love life" poem/writing.
    Move us with how a heart can over come and tantilize or capture her after one line stating I'm so sorry I've hurt you; then pull us into your
    minds eye.
    Well, I hope you will recieve this as intended!
    Totally as instruction and "FOOD FOR THOUGHT"
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]


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