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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: For a Frienddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: necrotic
    ASL Info:    22/F/NY
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 198/94/33
    Words: 246
    Class/Type: Poetry/Lostfriend
    Total Views: 1152
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1345



    Description:
       This is for my Best friend, who left me for a replacement. I am over it now, but thought it was a good poem and should revise it since I got so many comments saying I should. Thank you to those who took the time to share what you felt about it.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFor a Frienddots
    -------------------------------------------


    To a heart that beats with lonliness, I say this.
    I have watched over your soul in protection,
    banned your fears away,
    I have walked the lonely road of heartless insanity along side of you,
    and you casted me away...

    I can't help but think of you today,
    the loss of love has brought me such tragedy.
    I cried so long at nights from unforgiving words that slipped your tongue.
    All I do now is pray for you to help yourself,
    for I fear that since you are not with me, your nightmares will suck you into a place you don't want to be.

    I was there to always protect you,
    I was always around for you to talk to and laugh with,
    and you buried my soul in a lake filled with regret towards our past friendship.

    Regret, for if I had never met you, I would not hurt so bad, but if I had never known you, I wouldn't be the person that I am.

    So I give thanks for the friendship, and hate for the next.
    My heart being full of selfishness, I would only want you to come back and be there for me, as I was for you.
    But now I have found that not only did I protect a wonderful friend, but a betraying one as well.

    Good luck to you both, for she is much better than I ever could have been.




    Submitted on 2005-03-30 12:15:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece was interesting. I hope you enjoy criticism, because I have both good things and some possible corrections to suggest.

    I was drawn in at first because this happened to me. The correlations between the two situations are quite fascinating. My best friend's name is Jess, and we were absolutely inseparable for over two years. She became the sister I never had, in fact you could quite possibly say the twin, because we almost had a telepathic connection.

    There are no words to describe that void that is left when you lose that friend, and especially when it happens with no explanation. The line: "but she never looks to see me,
    so I just turn and frown," struck me. That's exactly what happened to Jess and I. I'd try to meet her eye when we passed, but she'd just look the other way. Then you see that special friend who ignores you enjoying life with someone else, a new friend, and you feel lower than dirt. Its a tough reality to face.

    I LOVE the final stanza. Your true character shines through there, and I greatly applaud you for it. It takes immense strength to wish that friend happiness with someone else while you're still so miserable. I've had the good fortune to rebuild my friendship with Jess, though its not the best friendship it once was, but all through the split, I let her know I was there if she needed me, and even tho I wasn't her bff anymore, she was still mine. Its good to know you still support her, even if she is no longer loyal to you. That is the true measure of love, standing by those who don't reciprocate that love.

    This piece is obviously filled with much emotion, and its readily relatable to the reader. My only suggestion would be to perhaps ditch the rhyming. It just somehow seems forced. I think the poem could be soo much more meaningful and descriptive. Rather than fitting the feelings to the word that rhymes, I'd use words that best describe the feelings, and if it happens to rhyme, that's great. Otherwise you become trapped with simple words. It might also help the poem flow more and not feel quite so choppy. That would be my one major correction, but again, much of it is taste and preference.

    And to end on a positive note, I enjoyed the punctuation. It nicely separated the thoughts and enhanced the read. I especially appreciated it since punctuation is an area I struggle with. A nice read, and I truly feel your pain. If you wish to read the opposite end of the spectrum of being best friends, I have a piece entitled "Best Friends," as well, and I believe it would well fit your enjoyment of "little kid's poems." God bless!

    ~Jen~
    | Posted on 2007-04-30 00:00:00 | by Jengrr | [ Reply to This ]
      The flow is a little shaky in a couple places, but whatever...

    I feel like I can really relate to this. When I was in fifth grade, my best friend's parents got divorced and she moved one town over. Then she made new friends and just changed completely, and eventually she IMed me saying she hated me and didn't want to talk to me ever again. Rip out my soul and step on it, why doncha... basically, she became a huge b.itch. I'm glad you seem to still be holding on to your friend, though, and that you still wish her the best, because I have no end of bitterness for my lost friend.

    But I think people are better off when they are freed from people like that. My friend and I used to fight a whole lot whereas my new friends, some of which I have known since first grade, and reconnected with, have no respect for drama and rarely fight with anyone. I think everyone's better off in the end when people go their seperate ways sometimes.

    Other times it just sucks.

    off to read more and give somewhat more useful ramblings.....
    | Posted on 2007-04-18 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      All the way through this poem I couldn't stop thinking about my old best mate, Lu.

    'but she never looks to see me,'. I can sort of relate to that line, but intead of not noticing me she pretends not to. Determindedly, she just looks the other way.

    I would say more (honest), but I never seem to have any time to do anything anymore. Grr. I'll try to finish off later.
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
      > but she never looks to see me,
    But she never looks at me,

    > she just left me be.
    She just let me be.

    Also, I think the "me be" needs looking at. It seems to be a bit contrived. Maybe you could look at alternate word choices there.


    > adn try to tell her things,
    > She's just to good for me,
    And try to tell her things;
    She's just too good for me.

    > Cause' she's still my best friend,
    'Cause she's still my best friend

    > In whom I wouldn't betray.
    "Who I wouldn't betray."

    Your writing shows promise. Before working on intent and content, I'd look at grammar, spelling and proofreading as valuable tools. Keep writing -- that's how we hone the skills we have. :-)
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    52363

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