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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Phoenixdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Stwcjj
    ASL Info:    27/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 327/149/13
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1153
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1130



    Description:
       Just looking for general feedback and any comments/suggestions/improvements.

    Side note- NIN= Nine Inch Nails (for those who don't remember :) )


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhoenixdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mother, Father, Sister, Brother.
    All four and me.

    All four
    pills popped
    wrists slashed
    Monograms of "NIN" and "DEATH"
    etched on arms with bloodstained steel.

    Cold nights
    Watching
    through plexiglass windows
    loved ones numb without expression.
    Emotions ground to ash
    and left in the pestle.

    Taunted
    by suicides seductive Sirens.
    Beckoning me to listen
    to hear their song of permanent peace.

    My Innocence
    Incinerated.



    Through weed-rotted fields of past mistakes
    through lust
    through passion

    A gift.

    From her mothers womb into my arms
    cherubic cries greet the world.

    She smiles at me with awestruck eyes
    searching for a promise
    Of Love
    Of Guidance
    Of Protection

    As my soul's restored
    and my life's quest clear,
    I see in her, for a time,

    Innocence reborn.




    Submitted on 2005-03-30 16:54:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You've out done your self thjis time my man.

    I like the phrasing structure of this one. The best phrase is

    Taunted
    by suicides seductive Sirens.
    Beckoning me to listen
    to hear their song of permanent peace

    Each stanza is emphasized by topic. Brilliant.
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by Unicrom | [ Reply to This ]
      Funny how in times of despair something good will always save you. A childs smile and laughter are just one of those things. This was pretty freakin' awesome in expressing that. Nicely done. Have a good one.
    | Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      restoration through a new life, how beautiful. this starts so grim and then finds hope at the end. no critique here, you've done very well.
    | Posted on 2005-05-01 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...I really love this one..I felt it big time..when i first slelected this one to read i thought i was going to get a poem about either my hometown or the mythical bird.
    but this is so powerful...going from i'm assuming a teenage you who is suicidal to the you who is a father and finds a reason to live in your daughter.
    is this right ?
    i especially like
    Suicides seductive sirens...
    and
    my innocence
    incinerated
    your choice of words here is beautiful and moving.
    Great Job !!
    CC
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      An interesting and compelling write. I new life, innocence, .. always helps us see ourselves in a different light...no matter how bleak our life may have become.
    I like the way you look at it.. Your soul restored by the newborn life you now hold. Just lovely.

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a poignant piece that captures the many facets of LIFE and Love. There were so many great one liner's.
    It's nice to find the level of innocence & rebirth in a child. Don't forget your inner child either - the more you cultivate that the easier & better, I've found life to be plus you can enjoy so much with your gift of Life! Love, Peace, Joy!
    | Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      well i hope you keep writing like this. again i love this* my daughter is 2 and she changed not only my life but my family members as well. especially my brother who is expecting his first in august! honestly this is perfect. i can't explain it, i really enjoyed this one.

    Jen
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved it, especially the references to NIN and DEATH. That hooked me lol. Any way awesome write. Especially the ending, that tied it all up together with a big red bow(including pink polka dots).

    As my soul's restored
    and my life's quest clear,
    I see in her, for a time,

    Innocence reborn.

    LOVE IT.

    BLessed Be!
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good poem, nicely written and good imagery use as well. Its amazing what kids can do to us, isn't it? It doesn't even have to be your child, just any baby or child. Walk down the street, and if you look over at a small child playing...you just can't help but smile. Anywho, good job.
    ~Ma
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, that's all I can really say about this poem (i can't say what I really want to say because I think it will be censored) But anyway this is a very interesting poem. I haven't experienced it, but my brother has.
    "A gift.

    From her mothers womb into my arms
    cherubic cries greet the world.

    She smiles at me with awestruck eyes
    searching for a promise
    Of Love
    Of Guidance
    Of Protection

    As my soul's restored
    and my life's quest clear,
    I see in her, for a time,

    Innocence reborn."
    Is exactly what he said once his daughter was born into this world. Keep up the writing, it's good, bye.
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Charlenee | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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