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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: So Finedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: C. Starr
    ASL Info:    35/yesplz/State of denial
    Elite Ratio:    4.22 - 130/196/68
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1185
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 613



    Description:
       written in dec. 2004.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSo Finedots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's Rained for the last five days,
    In my mind and outside.

    Remember times.....So fine.

    So fine like sand between my toes, so fine like a good, strong man.
    So fine like a lost love you've been waiting to find. So fine......

    So fucking fine.....
    At least in my mind.
    It stays the same,
    It remains.....So fine.

    Hands on my face, my neck, in my hair,
    Caressing each crevice, every soft curve while I'd obsess over that captivating stare.

    Remember those times....So fine.




    Submitted on 2005-03-31 05:30:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm almost thinking "Remembering" would work better at least in my opinon but as I say what the hell do I know.?!/ anyway I do like this -it makes me think of that person trhat so many times I thought I had but later found out that she was only an imposter. Ya know. I guess someday I'll find her and then I'll get that stare.
    I have had many-well enough but now I know they were only practice -how bout this a poem within a poem or riddle-whatever you prefer.funny huh-oh how I amuse me -sorry I missed ya today hahaha-I'll pm you now
    lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Lol, I love this poem! I love how you take two simple words "so fine" and weave it into a more complex poem...There are two meanings that you can draw from "so fine" so fine as the way you described in the second stanza:
    So fine like sand between my toes, so fine like a good, strong man.
    So fine like a lost love you've been waiting to find. So fine...
    then you hit the duality. As in using "so fine" as an expression of contempt. As in "so fine! be that way" There are several lines in which both interpretations fit :) I don't know if that's what you intended, but if you did then I applaud you :) (I'll still applaud you even if you didn't intend it that was :) :)

    Another thing I just wanted to point out. You use "curse" words in appropriate spots that help draw out the meaning. You don't just put them in there cuz you wanna shock people (too many people try that and I'm sorry but F*ck and Sh*t just don't shock me any more :P).

    The only thing I see that you might want to change is in this line:
    Caressing each crevice, every soft curve while I'd obsess over that captivating stare.

    Maybe seperate that into two seperate lines
    Caressing each crevice, every soft curve
    While I'd obsess over that captivating stare.

    But thanks for the entertainment :)

    Keep writing

    Stw
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved it really much, it sounds dreamy. It's simple but not without lovely images, images that create emotion. It remindes me of some memories that I have, smooth, but with anger hidden somewhere underneath (because "So [censored] fine.....
    At least in my mind.").
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey
    Read this one after you mentioned it in your comment! I think I had read it before and not understood much. But after what you wrote to me, I can get the picture. You basically drift off remembering those times with your first love, the one you wrote about in your other poem, hm? It's amazing you feel such a longing (as you recall it all as "so fine") after such a long time.

    It does sound a bit rushed through, i mean. Some parts (like zyllion said) are wellworked on and have potential. But others simply don't seem to click very well. I'm sure if you touched it up a little it would be great. But it's fine if understood that this is just the words flowing out of you heart at the moment, and you just putting it down.
    Waiting for more of your work!

    drika
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]
      I really loved your poem, it made me think back about things and it was worded so lovely and smooth. I'm putting this on my fave list. good job, good job, when I get time I'll take a look at your other writtings. This poem is great and I liked it alote.
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]
      Odd choices of words here. I really like how you began this poem, but in my mind, you really destroyed the mood you had created as soon as you hit the third line of the poem. The fact that those two ideas are so unconnected really drew away from the poem. How can you draw someone in so well in your first lines, and then pull them away like that in the next lines?

    The repetition of "So fine." makes it almost to the point where it is highly destructive. I don't mind the line "So [censored] fine," although that line is clearly all emotion, but the rest of it is just kind of ... off...

    You said at the top of this that this poem is also a love poem, but I don't see it like that. With the way that this poem is written, and with the words you've chosen, it feels a lot more like a poem where you're venting and crying over something that you've lost and that you truly miss, and now here you are reminescing. If this is a love poem, I kind of hate to sound sappy/cliché, but you need to use words that are going to evoke emotion in the minds of your readers. Saying that they are so fine is not going to draw a person in, except maybe a girlfriend who is interested in gossip. I'm not trying to sound harsh here, even though it is coming across like that, I'm just trying to be honest about the ideas that it gave to me, and how I felt.

    I'm going to count the one-liners as verses when I say this. The first verse and the fifth verse have some definite potential. They managed to evoke some of the emotions that I think you were aiming towards. The third verse, despite it's overpowering use of "so fine," has some potential too. You just need to harness that in the context of the rest of the poem. If this were me, I would say that this poem is due for a total rewrite.

    I'm so sorry if I sound overly harsh, but it's how I feel about this one. Good luck with rewrites.

    ~Zylle
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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