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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: IFdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BenCollier
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 425/386/88
    Words: 244
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Love
    Total Views: 537
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1368



    Description:
       This stuff just BURSTS from me. Is it prose? Is it rhyme? WTF is it. And How can one woman constantly be the causal factor of everything to me? IF it sux so be it, but at least SHE will see some insight as to what I cannot say in person.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIFdots
    -------------------------------------------


    If I were a poet, I would write you indelibly
    If I were a sculptor, I would immortalize your soul
    If I were a conductor, I would symphonize your words
    If I were a painter, your portrait would humble Michelangelo

    If I were a architect, I would design the eighth wonder
    If I were a writer, I would craft timeless work
    If I were a mason, I would embarrass the Great Wall of China
    If I were a fisherman, you would be my catch

    If I were rich, I would end hunger in your name
    If I were a doctor, I would heal in your name
    If I were a scientist, I would discover in your name
    If I were gay, you would change me

    If I were sick, your presence would be my cure
    If I were hurt, your touch would make me well
    If I were heartbroken, your love would mend
    If I were weak, your sight would make me steadfast

    If I were your husband, I would never stray
    If I were your husband, I would love you each day
    If I were your husband, I would never decay
    If I were your husband, I would be blessed, ok?

    These things I say seem trivial in print
    My heart bursts forth to you
    You complete my life
    As it never has been
    Iíll cherish you as my wife
    And honor you as my friend




    Submitted on 2005-03-31 18:43:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think you've classed this right, as random thoughts; even though they arent so random, really.
    I would agree with earlier comments that the repetition could change the piece a lot,
    but then it wouldnt seem so much like thoughts popping into your mind; thoughts not-so-casually influenced by your love.
    Your words carry a depth of devotion and breadth of emotion that shines through; repetition or not.
    Well done, Ben.
    :)
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      flows like a love song...lovely, i must say. :)

    "If I were a scientist, I would discover in your name"...ohhh..so sweet. ::vedanta goes tearyeyed::..

    ...now get the guitar out, would you??! ;)
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by vedanta19 | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of one of my all time fave songs ..."Id do it for you" ....I won't cry ...I won't ....You can't make me !!!
    *ahem* anyhoo ...beautiful ....It's always nice to see a glimmer of love sprinkled here and there...Nice job and well done
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
      About to cry. Holy cow! If it was possible, I would add you to my faves list. You are a great writer! (How many times have I said that now?) I love the last stanza, how it leaves the if format behind.

    If I were your husband, I would never stray
    If I were your husband, I would love you each day
    If I were your husband, I would never decay
    If I were your husband, I would be blessed, ok?

    This was my fave stanza. I love the last line. How you put in ok to make it rhyme. Great write, again!
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Areinaka | [ Reply to This ]
      What an absolute wonderful way to express your love. Lucky woman indeed. Very expresssive and heartfelt. It made me feel good to see a man write this kind of poetry with such feeling.
    I agree with sierramuse8 that the repetition is a bit much..
    Only a suggestion here: Perhaps something like this??
    "If I were a poet, I would write you indelibly
    If a sculptor, I would immortalize your soul
    As a conductor, I would symphonize your words
    Or a painter, your portrait would humble Michelangelo"

    All in all this was a good poem.. and one I like very much. It says what needs to be said.

    Take Care!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this piece. It is very true to itself. Some of the rhymes are forced and, in other stanzas, aren't present at all, but I think that this element adds to the enjoyment of reading your work here. Love, in the manner that you geniously described, is a very hard concept to convey, but you made the most out of it. On a personal note, I sympathize with your reason for writing this. I think that we all have felt this way- or at least will feel this way- at some point in our lives. Tres bien, mon ami!

    -Bijou
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by Bijou de Mort | [ Reply to This ]
      perfection...to me! this is so romantic and very sweet. wow what a lucky woman to be loved like you love her!

    you've got a really romantic mind indeed.
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by MMISS | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really care for the repetition but I don't know of any other way to get your point across, which you did extremely well and I must say, this is one lucky woman. and you should tell her, somehow, in person, how you feel. women love that! another good poem despite the repetition. glad you found the right one.
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      a beutiful thought, and a beautiful poem.. she is a lucky lady.. the only thing I would change would be the 3rd stanza, i don't know if I like the repetion of name.... and the 5th stanza, the ok seems a little forced.
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]


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