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A Crow on my Sill

Author: mcgovern_xiii
ASL Info:    35/M/NewEngland
Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 70 /91 /26
Words: 116
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1067
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 670


It turned out just to be high blood pressure, or was it…….

A Crow on my Sill

Last night I heard a fluttering, like a whisper in my ear.
The wings of demons or angels I fear.
A breath so close you couldn’t tell how far.
“I wasn’t afraid,” but you know you still are.
With a soft caress a chill to the spine.
I was told a secret, but …”the secret was mine.”
Covered in sweat, though the room was cold.
I kept my sanity but my wits were stole.
Forever till sunrise, a dangling wish.
Danced in my mind like a hook to a fish.
But only for a moment I sat wondering.
What was given or what did it take.
So many horrors…”Yes, I’m AWAKE!”

Submitted on 2005-03-31 20:24:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I like the dialouge interspersed in the poems; it gives it a private tone and, though it breaks the flow with a twist it does so in a good way. I wasn't sure what you were doing with your rhyme scheme, and I didn't like that every line ended with a period, even when it was an unnecessary piece of punctuation. Although it is poetry, the basic rules of punctuation tend to apply and there's no reason to be sticking a period onto the end of everything. Good use of imagery, but I think that this could use some polish. I especially liked "Danced in my mind like a hook to a fish."
| Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]
second line... angles I assume should have been angels

Now that the typo thing is out of the way:

This is odd. Not the write, how I feel about it. When I read it aloud, I LOVE this piece. The wording is catchy, it flows nicely, the rhyme scheme sounds nice, etc. The part I don't like? I don't get it. Every couple of lines, I think "ahh, that's what he means", then by the end of the next line, I haven't a clue again. It is entirely possible that I'm just to literal minded, or what have you, but I just don't get it.
| Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]

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