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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Snowfalldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jer
    ASL Info:    29/M/Detroit
    Elite Ratio:    5.08 - 283/238/34
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 334
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 831



    Description:
       Can't really think of a good title. *shrug*


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSnowfalldots
    -------------------------------------------


    a single, vaporous particle of water
    adheres to another as they collide in the cobalt sky.
    the crisp air gently freezes the molecules together
    a unique and beautiful crystalline sculpture.
    as each snowflake dusts solemnly ground ward
    brushing against one another as lovers dance
    sticking, forming larger, fluffier cotton balls of snow
    the ground stretches to meet this porcelain creation
    as the weight of the falling snow
    captures the earth in a straight-jacket of white
    the snow buckles and slides downhill
    rapidly growing
    accumulating more snow
    gaining speed
    becoming a giant ball
    of unmitigated destruction
    nature's fury
    once slight, now
    rampaging
    as it is with a single, simple lie




    Submitted on 2005-03-31 20:43:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Love it! You're describing how a simple lie can grow bigger and bigger, right? Nice way to describe it! I really like this piece, great job.
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
      This was in a way peaceful yet then again...not peaceful. You put mixed tempo and emotion in this. That really added to the piece! I am impressed. See what happens when you come to see someone you've never seen before!

    You end up walking away with an extra smile to keep in your pocket for later!

    Great write!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-05-19 00:00:00 | by ThaCrib | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey jer

    Nice poem ;0) I have read it a couple of times to get a better picture of what you have made, and I must say that it is quite interesting. “a single, vaporous particle of water, adheres to another as they collide in the cobalt sky.” Nice ;0) You start so well, but it is like you loose the creative control and therefore are the poem loosing its touch ;0) Nice idea ;0)

    Keep writing ;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      Descriptive, you painted a picture for me and was content but then things changed as they always do and in the end, unexpectedly, I was looking over my shoulder. I agree the title could be changed. Any other title that might fit has the chance of giving it all away. The one you have used kept me going in one direction and that just might be a good thing.
    Terence McGovern
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by mcgovern_xiii | [ Reply to This ]
      not that the poem wasnt desciptive, it was deeply descriptive, but how is it that lovers brush up against one another, and how does that relate to a forming snowflake? I think you might have run away with your metaphors, not that this is no good, but there is such a thing as trying too hard, dont think of this in such a complicated way, because, anyways, snowflakes arent complicated themselves, and simplicity is beauty, deeper words, well chosen and well placed, outperform a catchy cliché, some of which dont belong in a poem like this, with the way you are writing it. It is very thougtful though, paints a beautiful picture, really, so I am not trying to discourage your writing at all. Great job, keep it up.

    tony
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]



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