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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ~:~The Season~:~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sinmore
    ASL Info:    1980/M/USA
    Elite Ratio:    6 - 256/254/110
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 784
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1301



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots~:~The Season~:~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Season

    I'm finding reason
    to be in the season
    this odd season of giving
    and heartfelt wondering.
    Feeling and seeing
    through fresh eyes.
    The humanity of being,
    the element of surprise.
    Part of me is from a god of love.
    But the heart in me has had enough.
    This physicality that brings
    original discomforts and pain.
    Trapped inside is a soul that sings,
    dull and dying to be free again.
    While love is here
    and comfort near,
    hatred is around
    and discomfort found.
    Pain in my Love and I,
    suffering we cannot deny.
    We live with this
    and don't dismiss,
    that we're not alone.
    Touching the stones,
    this feeling in our bones.
    Tired of waking alone,
    hearing these awful tones,
    Giving only painful moans.
    Loving my Love
    is the only thing
    getting me by.
    Sent from above
    with broken wings
    she's meant to fly.
    My love that loves me,
    is my reason to be.
    In this season of giving
    she's the reason I'm living.
    She's given to me
    certain serenity.


    feb 17 o5 c. sinmore




    Submitted on 2005-04-01 13:25:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, that was somehow really interesting! I must say that I really am not sure whether I have read any of your posts before or not! I don't think I have! Anyway after reading this one I think I'll try to read more of your poems, at least to judge better.

    And now about the poem itself; I think that generaly it was a good poem, I was attracted to it's tittle "Season" which I think was well chosen and new and not conventional too.

    About the rhyme and flow I think they were somehow good, not great but good, as I think using (alone - stones - bones - alone - tones - moans) in six consecutive lines didn't seem right (at least to me)! I liked the simplicity in it that adds to the beauty of the poem.

    And about the description I think and beleive that the description is a very strong tool for the writer, as he can use it to write a prior presentation for the poem and to attract the reader to read the poem, and you totally missed that in this poem! I don't know why didn't you use it but I advice you to use in the future ( in case you haven't already done that)!

    I liked the part that says

    "Trapped inside is a soul that sings,
    dull and dying to be free again."

    And also the part that says

    "with broken wings
    she's meant to fly."

    And also the finale was good saying

    "In this season of giving
    she's the reason I'm living.
    She's given to me
    certain serenity."

    Anyway I hope that you find my comment somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.

    P.S Weird photo by the way.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I really like it. I usually look for a rhyme scheme and/or pattern, but this one does not need it. It is heartfelt and real to me. I feel that this one doesn't need to be changed in any way. It is slightly vague, but only enough to leave room for the imagination.
    I can definitely see this "love" as being many things. Great work, I'll have to check out more of your work.
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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