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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ~:~Intravenous~:~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sinmore
    ASL Info:    1980/M/USA
    Elite Ratio:    6 - 256/254/110
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 938
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1061



    Description:
       Its about my perception. -sin


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots~:~Intravenous~:~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I.V.

    Sucking my life out fast,
    giving it back in small in small doses.
    The reptile Hister deems at last,
    that I am beyond diagnosis.
    The intensity of things causes
    even the house to make noise.
    Violently trying to impose sexual
    chaos of the perverted Hister.
    Spin, spin I'm coming together
    classical music and I always knew
    you were there, and insisted on blue.
    Explanatory flare with gentle care.
    Strange angel among distant devils.
    The same machine on different levels.
    Sucking all my life out fast
    giving something evil back.
    A rocking voice like evil smiles.
    A piercing cry like glass neurosis
    buried in your cerebral cortex.
    Lullaby black and white, all the while
    screaming in the back so ferocious
    making your soul a vermillion red vortex of
    pain and mind-numbing purgery convincing
    you that you need surgery.

    c.2003 sinmore





    Submitted on 2005-04-01 13:37:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem has great potential, in my opinion. There is a great idea behind it, and although there are moments of inconsistent tempo and a curious rhyme scheme, I was still able to feel the work as written.
    On the down side, I felt there was an overuse of the word evil, not recommending a thesaurus, but there are other words to bring across the feel. Also, not to be to much of a nit-picker I hope, but a purgery is a part of a sugarhouse used in making molasses. I know you meant perjury, and it is easily overlooked. Just in case you cared for a re-write.
    The flow seemed interrupted by the inclusion of Hister's perversity, it collapsed the scheme and it took several readings before I became more comfortable with it, I would still change it to better the flow, but it is passable for a draft.
    On the upper hand though, the images flowed smoothly, and I was able to relate to the overall theme. Some lines were very well written, in particular, I liked the one about an angels among devils. Good work though, and thank you for an entertaining read.
    His Assholiness-
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by His Assholiness | [ Reply to This ]


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    12. Does it feel original?



    52658

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