Death Of A Deadly Relationship by Podenco del infierno

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Submission Name: Death Of A Deadly Relationship dots

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Author:	Podenco del infierno
ASL Info:	19/M/Ohio
Elite Ratio:	4.75 - 205/195/38
Words:	118

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	919
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	796

Description:
whatever you think of it, i would like to know if it is any good...

Death Of A Deadly Relationship dots

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Pain.
Blood.
Tears.
So many scars.
So much blood,
And countless tears.

The knife,
It has known me for so long.
Night after night,
It cuts my skin,
Drains my blood,
And brings the tears.

Now comes the day I have awaited,
The day I die.
I will never see you again.
I ask myself why.
Why the tears you brought,
Has brought more pain.

This life,
My pain.
My death.
You.
The one I love.
The one I hate.
The one I mourn by.
The one I live for.
And the reason for my death.

The knife.
It has known me for so long.
And tonight,
Our relationship comes to an end.

Submitted on 2005-04-01 15:04:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Dark, as everyone has already said, but I also like it... as they all did. Nothing new yet...

However, I do have some suggestions:

There is a severe lack in variation with the words you use... for example, the first stanza:

"Pain.
Blood.
Tears.
So many scars.
So much blood,
And countless tears."

The overuse of blood and tears seems redundant and simply due to a loss of inspiration in terms of what words to use... if pain was implemented into one of the lines instead of scars then it would be more of a purposeful device and would make the entire stanza incredible.

Something like:

"Pain.
Blood.
Tears.
"Excessive pain."
So much blood,
And countless tears."

Just a suggestion but there comes the format:

pain
blood
tears

Just something to think on. The overuse of specific words is constant throughout this piece, but some revision... noticing when certain words are overused will help not only improve this piece but all of your writing in the future and I'm sure there will be a lot of it because you do write well, just need to grow a bit as a writer in terms of your variety in words!

I did enjoy it though!

~ Aj
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by The Seraphim | [ Reply to This ]
  it was dark and bit depressing but you repeated the same words too much. maybe it goes with your format but maybe if you made it a little different. change words and phrases. i read stuff like this before. so you can say i liked your idea but not the way you wrote it. doesnt seem original.
| Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
  This is good stuff! I too have known this kind of relationship! Ahhh...how friggin lovely is the love/hate relationship? That kind is the kind you throw in the trash can and let them come take it away! Those relationships will drive you mental if you're not careful and therefore that would explain the knife!No seriously, this is a good writing! Filled with heartfelt sadness and dispair. A relationship that has this much emotion is always hard to lose! This is a good poem Nathan! Take care...hope things are improving!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  wow great poem dude i really liked it the words were great the size was good theres nothing to complain about it was an excilent poem i look foward to readding more of your poems-tom
| Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by tom111111111111 | [ Reply to This ]
  its very dark but i like it alot...a few grammatical errors but it still keeps its integrity...the only problem i see is that it doesnt flow very smoothly but I STILL LOVE IT!
| Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by turn back | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.