[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: feeling's lostdots

    Author: nwproud
    ASL Info:    27 / vancouver, wa
    Elite Ratio:    5.62 - 280/243/64
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 692
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 666

       how it all seems to play out, as if its supposed to be, simply because it happens

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfeeling's lostdots

    she walks in slow, and,
    our eyes will momentarily
    come together, locked,
    though perpindicularly,
    as she continues. But
    in her mind, she wants,
    her heart bids her about,
    as it feels my eyes taunt.
    How hard it must seem, for
    in her soul, reminded,
    and so now for her, love
    is nothing but by to be blinded.
    and i am restricted, true,
    unfair in this world, knowing
    all the love I could offer
    to change where we're going.
    For it seems soon, here
    will be the defining time
    unable to be released
    in neither word nor rhyme.

    Submitted on 2005-04-02 12:35:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Pretty good, tough to understand at times but when I slowed down and re-read it made sense. Punctuation could help, but over all another good write.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Before I comment on the content, I must say the flow and breakup of the lines made it quite difficult for me to take in the words. Maybe more punctuation or perhaps using different places to separate the words would help?
    As far as content, it's a different feeling from most poems i read, kinda like I'm watching it on a screen, like you can see the whole picture from the outside. Very interesting in that respect.
    The only other thing: when you say "perpendicular" i get the feeling like it would make more sense if it said "parallel" (like eyes locked in a parallel fashion).
    Other than that a good read overall. Hope to see more!
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by WolfStar | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    written by Daniel Barlow
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    AI written by poetotoe
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Every..... written by jackz
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]