there’s no need to cry
you’re just another
fucked up child
with a head full of
grab the razorblade
be a teen
think you’re special?
but then hit
on the cheeks
get yourself together
(what if they see?)
the eyeliner running down your
and the chains clinging against
the hard floor
in the colours of blue
when you sit down and
never panic, never cry,
never let them know
what kind of teen
you can be
but then hit -yourself- on the cheeks get yourself together (what if they see?) the eyeliner running down your face and the chains clinging against the hard floor in the colours of blue when you sit down and weep
everything crumbles but darling- breathe never panic, never cry, just smile never let them know what kind of teen you can be ,for me?
would you please be sober some night just weep.
A bit more than The Who envisioned, I imagine. A boatload more helplessness masquerading as hopelessness for those who use the terror of tomorrow as a crutch to avoid facing any challenge. As to 'flow,' ugh...who cares. The message that nothing is worth slicing yourself open becomes apparent in the first stanza (and also makes the pointed observation that suicide doesn't make the dead special, just dead), and offers the alternative of simply releasing the pressure through tears.
I may have missed the point entirely (it happens now and then) but I found this to be very well written.
The title caught my eye because it made me think of Silverchair. Then, it turned out I'll end up liking your poem.
I didn't understand the last part though- "would you please be sober some night just weep."
The "some night" part confused me. I don't know if it's a typo or just me being slow, did you mean to write "some might"?
Other than that, I'm afraid I can't say anything else that would matter and be smart. I visually like it. Using blue as the colour here is also very good, imo. Blue is a very strong, defined colour, yet again melancholic and transparent. It's perfect for describing a part of nothingness.
Maybe it would be better if you wrote "in the shades of blue" though? Just a suggestion.
your structure and style are like no other i have ever seen- this piece is heart-wrenchingly sad- but it has a sympathetic-friend feel to it... nice- this poem may save somebody. that's a good quality. *md*
Unfortunatly it describes so many teens, reminds me a lot of some of my friends. And yes, at one point me. It was a good write, common topic but I still like how you wrote this. It flowed pretty well, a little choppy at some points. The rhyming worked pretty well. There wasn't much in the first stanza for me. Mainly because at the beginning you're saying "You're nothing go cut" and at the end you're begging them not to cut. Maybe you're realizing what they're going through? Or did you just forget your wrote the first stanza and made the ending like that cause it fit? I don't know. Keep writing, I liked it.
This is rank with feeling. I cant read over one line and not feel my stomache wrench. I agree the flow is lacking but the rest of the poem I didnt see much of a problem with. Nothing thats not easily fixed. Like X said, it feel like it means more to you than anyone else, I write like that a lot, and most of the time it is for me, but thank you for sharing, it cant be healed unless you confront it first right? This is a great write and I hope to see more from you in the future.
I liked this poem in the sense that it gave me an emotional response. Although, that was sadness, it was still effective writing. It seems a bit fragmented. I like the use of the words. They are all very descriptive and unique. But, the flow just doesn't seem to be there. Alot of times I read and write poems that only have an inner flow and purpose to the person who wrote it. Maybe this is one of those. But, I encourage you to re-write some of the verses but, use the same words. I'm not a spelling or grammar fanatic so, its all good to me. Nice poem. Keep writing and posting!