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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: teenage wastelanddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: _taateli_
    ASL Info:    18/F/Finland
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 84/113/29
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1245
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1305



    Description:
       angstail.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsteenage wastelanddots
    -------------------------------------------


    there’s no need to cry
    you’re just another
    fucked up child
    with a head full of
                  nothing

    grab the razorblade
    be a teen
    think you’re special?
                  weep

    but then hit
    -yourself-
    on the cheeks
    get yourself together
    (what if they see?)
    the eyeliner running down your
                  face
    and the chains clinging against
    the hard floor
    in the colours of blue
    when you sit down and
                  weep

    everything crumbles
    but darling-
    breathe
    never panic, never cry,
    just smile
    never let them know
    what kind of teen
    you can be
                  ,for me?

    would you please
    be sober some night
                  just weep.




    Submitted on 2005-04-02 13:25:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      but then hit
    -yourself-
    on the cheeks
    get yourself together
    (what if they see?)
    the eyeliner running down your
    face
    and the chains clinging against
    the hard floor
    in the colours of blue
    when you sit down and
    weep

    everything crumbles
    but darling-
    breathe
    never panic, never cry,
    just smile
    never let them know
    what kind of teen
    you can be
    ,for me?

    would you please
    be sober some night
    just weep.



    A bit more than The Who envisioned, I imagine. A boatload more helplessness masquerading as hopelessness for those who use the terror of tomorrow as a crutch to avoid facing any challenge. As to 'flow,' ugh...who cares. The message that nothing is worth slicing yourself open becomes apparent in the first stanza (and also makes the pointed observation that suicide doesn't make the dead special, just dead), and offers the alternative of simply releasing the pressure through tears.

    I may have missed the point entirely (it happens now and then) but I found this to be very well written.

    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      The title caught my eye because it made me think of Silverchair. Then, it turned out I'll end up liking your poem.

    I didn't understand the last part though-
    "would you please
    be sober some night
    just weep."

    The "some night" part confused me. I don't know if it's a typo or just me being slow, did you mean to write "some might"?

    Other than that, I'm afraid I can't say anything else that would matter and be smart. I visually like it. Using blue as the colour here is also very good, imo. Blue is a very strong, defined colour, yet again melancholic and transparent. It's perfect for describing a part of nothingness.

    Maybe it would be better if you wrote "in the shades of blue" though? Just a suggestion.


    I am now VERY glad you stumbled upon my profile.
    | Posted on 2006-08-05 00:00:00 | by olut ja leipa | [ Reply to This ]
      your structure and style are like no other i have ever seen- this piece is heart-wrenchingly sad- but it has a sympathetic-friend feel to it... nice- this poem may save somebody. that's a good quality. *md*
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by MerryDeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Unfortunatly it describes so many teens, reminds me a lot of some of my friends. And yes, at one point me. It was a good write, common topic but I still like how you wrote this. It flowed pretty well, a little choppy at some points. The rhyming worked pretty well. There wasn't much in the first stanza for me. Mainly because at the beginning you're saying "You're nothing go cut" and at the end you're begging them not to cut. Maybe you're realizing what they're going through? Or did you just forget your wrote the first stanza and made the ending like that cause it fit? I don't know. Keep writing, I liked it.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by BlackAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      This is rank with feeling. I cant read over one line and not feel my stomache wrench. I agree the flow is lacking but the rest of the poem I didnt see much of a problem with. Nothing thats not easily fixed. Like X said, it feel like it means more to you than anyone else, I write like that a lot, and most of the time it is for me, but thank you for sharing, it cant be healed unless you confront it first right? This is a great write and I hope to see more from you in the future.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by Lareth | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem in the sense that it gave me an emotional response. Although, that was sadness, it was still effective writing. It seems a bit fragmented. I like the use of the words. They are all very descriptive and unique. But, the flow just doesn't seem to be there. Alot of times I read and write poems that only have an inner flow and purpose to the person who wrote it. Maybe this is one of those. But, I encourage you to re-write some of the verses but, use the same words. I'm not a spelling or grammar fanatic so, its all good to me. Nice poem. Keep writing and posting!
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by Xsiv | [ Reply to This ]


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    52759

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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