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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Angeldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: C. Starr
    ASL Info:    35/yesplz/State of denial
    Elite Ratio:    4.22 - 130/196/68
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1087
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 774



    Description:
       Written in 1993.

    For a friend of mine who took his own life.

    In memory of
    Daniel (Gallo) Benjamin Koger Jr.
    October 17. 1976-September 17. 1993.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Angeldots
    -------------------------------------------


    I lay upon a bed of clouds and an angel comes to me,
    He whispers sweet stories of how it would be.
    He visits my dreams every solitary night,
    But when I awake he has taken to flight.
    He tells me he's sorry he had to go away,
    And that he's really still with me every night and day.
    I still feel the warmth of his hands and I can smell the Tres Flores of his hair,
    I feel him holding me, along with the strength of his stare.
    Again, I cry myself to sleep, longing the sight of his sweet face,
    In my slumber, he holds my hands but when I awake, he's gone without a trace. I hear his cries of how much he still does care,
    But I open my eyes and he's not really there.




    Submitted on 2005-04-02 16:10:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ok i know that were not suppose to make commits like this but i really like this one and its another one that i wouldn't change .
    but this sounds more like a incubus instead of a angel
    | Posted on 2005-05-01 00:00:00 | by DonKB | [ Reply to This ]
      i wanted to leave the poem just like that cause i really know how it feels and those kind of emotions are hard to deal with even after the years had passed.
    To be honest, if you really want the readers to review your poetry, try reading it to yourself and then ask yourself, "Did i say all i have to say and will this give a vivid image to the reader".
    I honestly want it to leave it just the way it is but since it has been since 1993 and i know the memories sometimes are tormenting but you're sharing this with readers who review poetry.
    Therefore, i am going to say a few words, not that the idea is bad, just common. It's not the first time i've read it, so what you had to do is bring this poem into a brighter light, make it look as though this is unique (i am not saying it's not your work). Just wanted to see something that wasn't so common.
    Other than that, I hope all is well now and keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      i wanted to leave the poem just like that cause i really know how it feels and those kind of emotions are hard to deal with even after the years had passed.
    To be honest, if you really want the readers to review your poetry, try reading it to yourself and then ask yourself, "Did i say all i have to say and will this give a vivid image to the reader".
    I honestly want it to leave it just the way it is but since it has been since 1993 and i know the memories sometimes are tormenting but you're sharing this with readers who review poetry.
    Therefore, i am going to say a few words, not that the idea is bad, just common. It's not the first time i've read it, so what you had to do is bring this poem into a brighter light, make it look as though this is unique (i am not saying it's not your work). Just wanted to see something that wasn't so common.
    Other than that, I hope all is well now and keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      You seemed really centered around making things rhyme (Which is fine considering I love to rhyme too). But in a poem like this, I don't really think that you need to rhyme as much as you do. A few rhymes here and there would be fine. Most of the rhymes in this piece seem forced and just out of place.

    Also, I would take out these lines

    He visits my dreams every solitary night,
    But when I awake he's nowhere in sight

    It gives away you're ending. The ending would be so much more fun if you didn't have those two lines in at the beginning. After I read those lines I had a pretty good idea of how the ending would come and I was right. So maybe take those out? Just a suggestion.

    I liked how you made this in memory of your friend, makes the poem a bit more special I think. Overall: Average
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by BlackAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      Good poem, very sad thing to happen. I won't leave mcuh on this one because it's not a poem i find much critiquing need be done, I'll just take it as it is, hope all is well for you now.
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      i have to agree with the first comment, just a little, its obvious the memory is strong as ever, but the rhyme scheme seems overdone. Did you write this in 1993? I mean, is it posted just how it was written? I think you could change a few of the lines, and still get the same influence to be conveyed, im not telling you how to write, but the feelings are so open, "spoon-fed" if you will, that I know they could be tweaked a little. I hate that term, spoon-fed, but id just read it over to myself, and see how it sounds to you. Writing about something as important as this, and with the thought you put in your writing, i think you might be able to make this poem even better. Great write, though, very true, thoughtful.
    tony
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      Often when giving advice people say “don’t spoon-feed the reader” but it really feels like that is what you are doing with this piece. The ideas pretty good, it’s just the way you convey it isn’t as strong as it seems you might want it to be. You tell me about the passion, the tears, “longing the sight of his sweet face”. You tell me, you don’t show me or let me feel it. I do like how you don’t actually say who the person is as this leaves the reader guessing. Maybe a re-write would strengthen this and make everything in the poem seem much more real. Maybe altar the rhyme scheme as the format is somewhat overdone. Try some internal rhymes in the middle of lines to keep it flowing or maybe shorten the lines as they seem quite long.
    Just as an example you could change:
    “He visits my dreams every solitary night,
    But when I awake he's nowhere in sight.”
    To something like:
    “He visits my dreams every solitary night
    Seems real to me, but nowhere in sight”
    Maybe not a great example but it might help it to flow.
    Keep writing, I’d love to see a re-write.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]


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