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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: in dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: closetpoet
    Elite Ratio:    2.25 - 51/106/70
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1258
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 839



    Description:
       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


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    dotsin dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In dreams of you, when I'm awake
    my kiss, my touch, how you'd quake

    From before a point, when time began
    to the last clutch to hold your hand
    from when I'd stop, and you were glad to see
    how now you've all but forgotten me

    In dreams of you, when I'm awake
    a tear reveals this empty ache

    Everything in time will pass
    except this pain that has amassed
    it fills my heart, my soul, my head
    a torment, a love, that's never dead

    In dreams of you, when I'm awake
    covered by emptiness only my love could make

    everything we ever said
    pressed together, lying in bed
    now tears fill my eyes and stain this page
    sleepless nights, this love does rage




    Submitted on 2005-04-02 17:03:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Firstly I love the flow of this poem.
    I read many writes and not many lately have been comfortable to read.
    This I could read many times over.

    One of my pet peeves in poetry, including my own, is the alternate rhyming that encourages badly composed lines just to fit the scheme.
    Here we don't have those clumsy lines, the words seem to be picked because of their meaning not just their sounds.
    Except....
    The only criticism I have for this piece.
    The last line falls a little flat to me.

    I believe it would scan better by prefixing the line with
    "through my"
    or
    "During"
    Even "In" I think could improve that last line.

    Over all though a great write.
    thanks for posting it.

    | Posted on 2012-10-29 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      This is now the second poem of yours I've read. I'm officially a fan now! :) Makes me want to read all, you are a really great writer. Great flow, great descriptions, great feeling. I think this is now one of my favorite poems.
    | Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by ash20819 | [ Reply to This ]


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