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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: RED ROSES BROKEN PETALSdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jermwerm
    ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203/268/83
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Angry
    Total Views: 995
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 489



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRED ROSES BROKEN PETALSdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My girl you flower,
    you thorne on my rose.
    You past time informer,
    destruction inclosed.

    My girl you flower,
    you meat eating beast.
    I pick out your petals,
    my blood of your feast.

    The weight on my heart,
    my girl your fear.
    The ways I will die,
    your evil is clear.

    So my girl you flower,
    I burn you today.
    Chasing snakes through your field,
    I expect you to pay.




    Submitted on 2005-04-03 07:14:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok we have completely different writing styles... good example is my version of a poem about roses... desert rose read it and you will understand what I mean!

    I don't usualy like dark poetry but you fascinate me! I guess it's the mystery surrounding your dark and dreary heart.The weight on my heart,

    "my girl your fear.
    The ways I will die,
    your evil is clear." I know from personal expirience the evil surrounding women but i am ver y envious of your ability the express raw emotion so perfectly.

    Talk to you later,
    Ella
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
      I think i forgot just a couple things...enclosed.....
    maybe...my blood is your feast. of...just doesn't really fit.
    but i still love the feeling of it. and now you made my favorites !!
    CC
    | Posted on 2005-04-11 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      uhhhhmmmm, me likey...
    besides the few spelling mistakes (did anyone point out destruction) which don't mean jack, this is just lovely, the way it sounds to read, the imagery, the way i could really feel you.
    this poem pleases mistress CC, you may now be spanked repeatedly.
    sorry...i'm a little exicted.
    so jerm...my pal, do me a favor and correct the spelling (especially in the title) so i can put it on my favorites without missing you changing it. it is such a good poem, the spelling does take away to a degree. and let me know when you correct it....?
    talk to ya later jeremy....jerm,....oh i see. ha, god i'm slow.
    CC
    | Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa there...you spit that angst!

    =P

    The only thing that's killing me is "peddles". It should be "petals" It's sweeter on the ear when you pronounce the "t" too.

    I also thing there should be punctuation separating my girl and you flower because the words seem to run into each other too much..

    Rhyme scheme's good and you adhered to it pretty well. I liked the last stanza the best:

    So my girl you flower,
    I burn you today.
    Chaising snakes through your field,
    I expect you to pay.

    though it should be spelled "chasing"

    I definitely felt ya in this.

    Keep it up

    -Kristina
    | Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by Kristina9178 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this.. Lots of imagery.. I don't know if you meant to have metaphors in your writing..but it sure sounded that way... I like how you used objects like flowers and peddles.. That is so original.. Enjoyment was here.
    But some parts of this poem, were a little choppy, or so it may seemed..

    But anyways this was so beautiful.. Enjoyment here.
    Can't wait to hear more of your writings.

    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this one. You combined a rose that resembles beauty and showed it as evil. Not sure if that's right but that's what I was getting out of it. Outter appearance can be so deceiving. good job.
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm dark and angry today huh jerm? This is quite beautiful though. I like the conflict of images- flowers, meat, beast, petals it throws me nicely.

    I think you have a few places that need correcting- spelling wise:
    "inclosed"- enclosed
    "peddles"- petals
    "chaising"-chasing

    Those are just some first impressions. Something about the puctuation is not right to me. But you got me, because I suck at punctuation and I couldn't even tell you how it would be better. I'll stew on that one for a while. All in all, I like this. It just needs a little clean-up. Magnolia
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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