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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cicadadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: freak_like_me
    ASL Info:    20/female/Ireland
    Elite Ratio:    4.81 - 120/118/49
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 573
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 640



    Description:
       Its about an animal, well actually a bug an exotic bug


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCicadadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tranquil trills and hissing hickets
    Their small screams are wailing
    Backing to the backtrak
    Outback
    We hear the cicadas

    High pitched yells
    Small, but sleek, they tell
    A story in song, through
    the males tongue
    Bright bubbling saliva
    Plates rub together

    Whistling and making
    their small legs extending
    Hopping to their extent
    They hide behind
    the long silky stalks
    With their diligent eyes
    Beaming forth through the night

    Cicada, oh cicada
    If only I could have seen you better.




    Submitted on 2005-04-03 16:39:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey freak ;0)

    Nice poem ;0) I really liked the poem and enjoyed reading it. Nice imaginary work you have done here, the flow is good and you certainly have an interesting idea. Nice work ;0)

    Keep writing ;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks for your message. The better biology behind your poem has improved it greatly. Well done. Incidentally, if you like curry, check out my Hanuman Makes a curry Poem.
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Are cicadas rare in Ireland? They pretty common here in Baltimore (Eastern US) too. At least when the broods come out which gets complicated. I've never seen insects that match the description put forth here - they do have big ass eyes tho - not always green. While blinking and blurring is some good alliteration, y kno those things don't have eyelids and they slow as hell?

    Honestly if I look at this from the perspective of not knowing anything about the bug, it makes it alot better, because its a pretty enjnoyable read in and of itself. Mebbe you could finds some way to make th artistry match up with reality a bit better, or drop reality all together.
    shard
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      This is not an exotic animal to me, hey are common in New Zealand, America and especially in Australia.
    First of all I approve so wholeheartedly of the fact that you are writing a simple descriptive poem. his is such a good thing to attempt.
    I like also your joy in words, the way you have experimented with pattern and sound, even though your experiment is not 100% successful.
    Cicada
    -

    Blinking and blunting: These words alliterate well, but is the meaning entirely appropriate. Cicadas make a continuous trilling, hissing racket and normally you can't see them, because they are high in the trees.
    Their small screams are screaming: why not find a new word instead of "screaming"?
    Small yellow round pot bellies: this doesn't match the image I have. They are fairly sleek.
    Bright bubbling saliva: once again, they might only bubble if pressed. Their song is produced by rubbing plates on their abdomen, so they don't need spit to sing.
    The green eyes are hell to her: to whom? Who is this "her" person? It is incidentally the males who sing.
    Where now unknown to how they've went: this is a very awkward line. You must edit it.
    Long sliky stalks: Nobody knows this word "sliky" or what these stalks are!

    Beware to sorrow
    Cicadas, shall follow : these two lines seem to be rhyme driven without any clear sense.

    So, my final assessment. A great subject matter, but swot up more on its biology and treat this poem as a first draft. Go back to it, change some of it, add more to it. It cries out with potential.


    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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