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    dots Submission Name: Deep Pool Of Deathdots

    Author: DanceADream
    ASL Info:    16 f canada
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 205/153/29
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1109
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1043

       ...words from the top of my head! i wonder if anyone can make sense of them!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeep Pool Of Deathdots

    There she sits all alone.
    Bathing in a pool
    full of her many fears
    And tainted by her distraught tears.

    Closing her eyes
    And sinking down,
    Dragging in her last breath;
    She thinks is this it, is this death?

    Her mind begins to spin,
    With screaming flashbacks
    Of endless pain and fights.
    And her eyes, they're looking for the light.

    But it's to late,
    She made her choice
    And now she can't return,
    Unless death sees her pleading spurns.

    Death decides to turn it's way;
    This girls life he saves.
    Death took pity on those eyes
    And saw her past deceiving guise.

    She opens up her eyes
    Letting the light stream in.
    She swims powerful strides
    That are yet such graceful glides.

    Reaching the top,
    Her lungs burn deep
    AS she takes a breath
    She thinks, no, it couldn't have been death.

    Submitted on 2005-04-03 20:32:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this. It def. made me connect with the dying girl. And then death saves her life and takes pity on her eyes.
    At the beginning you think it's going to be another ordinary poem about death, but then it takes a turn and suprises you.
    I did, however, think the very end was a little flat, it sort of messed up the flow. I feel the very last line should of rhymed with the rest of the stanza. But this was still a really good poem!
    I loved it, keep up the good work!
    (BTW, what is a spurn? In the 16th line you say: "Unless death sees her pleading spurns")
    | Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by mysterious one | [ Reply to This ]
      Seems odd to read this just now.

    Check out Ophelia

    I read that one a few minutes ago.
    Seems to be an eerie connection.

    Any way, I like this. Near death experience or perhaps a death dream.

    Nicely portrayed.

    | Posted on 2005-12-31 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed the unconventional portrayal of death, which provides a refreshing view from the norm. however, your poem would provide a more forceful impact if you could create more vivid images as the reader goes through the poem.
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by wilted_ | [ Reply to This ]
      OK, not bad at all, typical of most suiciders who decide at the last minute that they want to live after all, and then when they do, refuse to own up to the truth of the situation (that wasn't death). Nicely done, just a couple of awkward lines
    "Unless death sees her pleading spurn." doesn't make much sense,
    "She swims powerful strides
    That are yet such graceful glides." You may have meant something by this, but I couldn't figure it out.
    Overall, very good, I'd give death a bit more personality, and maybe a wee background of why she feels like she does, but it's only my opinion, it's your poem
    Be Happy,
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Clever rhyming execution using decriptive imagery as "Death took pity on those eyes" but this "Unless death sees her pleading spurn." would be clearly understood with "then turns". or add a "s" to spurns at the least. Just a friendly suggestion. Keep writing you have much potential! ~always appreciating, Cheryl
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]

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