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    dots Submission Name: Patricio The Greatdots

    Author: Patricio
    Elite Ratio:    3.75 - 31/33/7
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 838
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1460

       i know a little dr suessy a little bit silvestien
    but in a way purely patricio

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPatricio The Greatdots

    Here is the story of Patricio the Great
    Of his great life and terrible fate
    So now we’ll take it from the top
    And run it along right to the stop

    Of his great life, that terrible day
    When he happened to hit the permanent hay
    But here is the story with no further ado
    Patricio’s great story I give unto you

    The great Patricio was fighting one day
    A few robbers and bandits, the usual fray
    He cut them down easily, which just goes to show
    That these tasks were quite easy for Patricio you know

    Patricio returned the merchants stolen wares
    When he heard the galloping of a dozen mares
    The riders said “Patricio a giant has come!”
    Then Patricio smiled and held out his thumb

    Patricio fought gallantly, mightily, and true
    He was the best swordsman the town ever knew
    He hacked and slashed, and chopped non stop
    He cut up that giant from bottom to top

    Patricio said “Now giant you meet your doom!”
    One more slash from Patricio, the giant fell with a boom
    The crowd cheered quite vigorously and loud
    As Patricio walked up all dignified and proud

    Then he stepped on a thorn bush, his pace did then slow
    And bled and bled right from his big toe
    From that small wound he did completely bleed dry
    And on that dark day Patricio did die

    Submitted on 2005-04-03 20:32:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Lmao - you're a hoot! This is cute and witty, and it's really saying something that I would admit that because I usually don't like comedy.

    Unfortunately, I am a formalist [censored], and I do have some nit-picking . . . so don't even read beyond this point if you don't want to hear me nagging about mechanical crap, lmao.

    First of all, the aabb scheme is fairly simple and does well to the medieval flavor of the piece.

    Secondly, I think you should pick one of the two first verses and discard the other - or make some kind of hybrid. They are both witty, but it is too repetitive with both of them there.

    Next order of business . . . did you even count the syllables (I am fairly sure that word is spelled wrong . . . forgive me for that)? I think there's some kind of inconsistency, but it is not incredably over-noticable.

    One part annoys me . . .

    "He cut them down easily, which just goes to show
    That these tasks were quite easy for Patricio you know"

    I think it would work better if you took out the "you know" . . . it would help the count.

    Well, that's about it, lol :) Again, highly amusing. It is high praise to your skills that I would even bother commenting, lol.
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww, poor Patricio died. Great job, it almost seemed like an old poem in the way you wrote it and was amusing. Um.. I have no idea what to say besides that but this thing wouldn't let me post my comment until after I write more...
    | Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
      not to mention that your use of words was fantastic.it was the first poem i put as a favorit.keep up the writes.

    | Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by dreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      i absolulty love this poem!it ran together almost perfectly and i loved the writing styl you used.it was kinda 17th century.not to mention that it was freaking funny!
    | Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by dreamer | [ Reply to This ]

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