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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: With the White Noisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: _taateli_
    ASL Info:    18/F/Finland
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 84/113/29
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 934
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1309



    Description:
       im having the time of my life.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWith the White Noisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    cold shivers
    down the spine
    glittering rocks
    in his eyes
    the shards of glass
    on the wall
    the little pieces of
                  mirror
    mirror
    on the wall
    a hunch of summer
    whispering in the
                  radio
    the white noise
                  screaming
                  crying
    [on the radio]
    a sweet disaster
    with the boy
    bizarre
    sitting in a corner
    looking at the wall
    with the mirror
                  mirror shards
    touches the sharp
    [mirror shards]
    cutcutcut
    ----"ouch"
    the radio dies
    can't reach though it screams
    [and dies]
    the bizarre boy looks at the dripping
                  blood

    could it become a pool?
    [this is the time of my life]




    Submitted on 2005-04-04 01:05:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      to me, this is a journal entry written as a journal entry.
    its like the skeleton of a piece; the initial ideas that have been put down on paper or serviette or beer mat,
    or scratched into the table.
    the thoughts are there.
    it seems that what you want to say is there, [though in such a breathless and sporadic way that it makes it difficult to digest anything of particular note that is outside the typical teen genre] but there is no transition from idea to poem in my opinion.
    and if this is the way you want it, then this is fine.
    and sweet like sugar beet.
    and yours.
    but if you want to reach people it is my view that you need to do something about it.
    and that part is not for me to say, it is for you to decide or find out should you wish.

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed the first stanza alot.. I thought it had a really nice flow..

    cold shivers
    down the spine
    glittering rocks
    in his eyes
    the shards of glass
    on the wall
    the little pieces of

    Than when it went to mirror mirror.. I stopped, stumbling trying to figured when to pause, and it was quite confusing. As I proceeded it just got all twisted.. But in a cool type of way.

    the white noise
    screaming
    crying
    [on the radio]


    That part got me laughing for some strange way.. I mean I went to see white noise. Wasn't really scary, but many people did think it was scary... and than when you put on the radio, I thought of Bowling for soup. 1985..


    But I get what you were trying to sya..

    Good write
    keep writing
    steph
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      > cutcutcut
    > ----"ouch"

    I found this a little distracting. Maybe you can include this with a bit different wording.

    > the bizarre boy looks at the dropping
    > blood

    I think "dripping" would work better here. "Dropping" makes me think of a 'dropping' bag of blood. If it's not in a bag, the blood would 'drip'.

    > 'bizarre boy'

    Hmmm. It's not wrong, it's unusual. I'd think more along the lines of 'boy with bizarre look', or something similar. But that would compromise the feeling of brevity you've got in this piece, which is a strong point. Maybe make the moniker a proper noun, e.g. 'boy-bizarre'. Hmmm. Maybe.

    Anyhow, with or without my random knee-jerk reactions to your piece, it's excellent! Thanks for sharing!
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem because it is simple..not too many words, the reader just knows what you are saying. I LOVE the imagery used in this piece..with the radio..and the pool of blood. I love this. And the repition of radio and shards of glass just made it that much better.

    You are a very talented writer. I am very excited to read some of your other pieces. I hope that you dont mind. You are great...amazing at that.
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]
      hey taateli

    Nice poem, I enjoyed this. Nice flow and interesting structure you have in this particular poem. I think though that it could become even more interesting, if you removed some of the words and made a little bit more minimalistic ;0) Nice work ;0)

    Keep writing ;0)

    kns
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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