With the White Noise -------------------------------------------
down the spine
in his eyes
the shards of glass
on the wall
the little pieces of
on the wall
a hunch of summer
whispering in the
the white noise
[on the radio]
a sweet disaster
with the boy
sitting in a corner
looking at the wall
with the mirror
touches the sharp
the radio dies
can't reach though it screams
the bizarre boy looks at the dripping
could it become a pool?
[this is the time of my life]
to me, this is a journal entry written as a journal entry. its like the skeleton of a piece; the initial ideas that have been put down on paper or serviette or beer mat, or scratched into the table. the thoughts are there. it seems that what you want to say is there, [though in such a breathless and sporadic way that it makes it difficult to digest anything of particular note that is outside the typical teen genre] but there is no transition from idea to poem in my opinion. and if this is the way you want it, then this is fine. and sweet like sugar beet. and yours. but if you want to reach people it is my view that you need to do something about it. and that part is not for me to say, it is for you to decide or find out should you wish.
I enjoyed the first stanza alot.. I thought it had a really nice flow..
cold shivers down the spine glittering rocks in his eyes the shards of glass on the wall the little pieces of
Than when it went to mirror mirror.. I stopped, stumbling trying to figured when to pause, and it was quite confusing. As I proceeded it just got all twisted.. But in a cool type of way.
the white noise screaming crying [on the radio]
That part got me laughing for some strange way.. I mean I went to see white noise. Wasn't really scary, but many people did think it was scary... and than when you put on the radio, I thought of Bowling for soup. 1985..
I found this a little distracting. Maybe you can include this with a bit different wording.
> the bizarre boy looks at the dropping > blood
I think "dripping" would work better here. "Dropping" makes me think of a 'dropping' bag of blood. If it's not in a bag, the blood would 'drip'.
> 'bizarre boy'
Hmmm. It's not wrong, it's unusual. I'd think more along the lines of 'boy with bizarre look', or something similar. But that would compromise the feeling of brevity you've got in this piece, which is a strong point. Maybe make the moniker a proper noun, e.g. 'boy-bizarre'. Hmmm. Maybe.
Anyhow, with or without my random knee-jerk reactions to your piece, it's excellent! Thanks for sharing! bent
I like this poem because it is simple..not too many words, the reader just knows what you are saying. I LOVE the imagery used in this piece..with the radio..and the pool of blood. I love this. And the repition of radio and shards of glass just made it that much better.
You are a very talented writer. I am very excited to read some of your other pieces. I hope that you dont mind. You are great...amazing at that.
Nice poem, I enjoyed this. Nice flow and interesting structure you have in this particular poem. I think though that it could become even more interesting, if you removed some of the words and made a little bit more minimalistic ;0) Nice work ;0)