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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Shadows Life
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 127/127/27
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 922
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1096



    Description:
       this is a poem about a man who is far from loved one, the man finds in dreams the only way to be with his lover and thus is trying to tell her why he dreams so much.

    id love any commentary at all be it language or style or meaning please feel free :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In Depth of night when all's asleep
    and silence is the sound
    when mourning sky begins to weep
    its tears unto the ground

    there i slip into my dreams
    where feilds of glory lay
    diving into timeless streams
    i fight the sun away

    I run through feilds and rushing springs
    to find where you abide
    when angels cast me on their wings
    and lead me to your side

    I stand in awe before your grace
    captive of your charms
    struck by the beauty of your face
    i fall into your arms

    you are the reason my soul divine
    casts its earthly shell
    you are the reason the sweetest wine
    tastes to me like hell

    now rising sun takes me away
    from whence all dreams are made
    i fight to face another day
    where mortal dreams are stayed

    banished from your glory
    banished from your touch
    that is timeless story
    of why i dream so much

    -Shadow




    Submitted on 2005-04-04 06:56:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's a beautiful poem... very vivid... you can feel the happiness of being with his loved one and then the pain when he's ripped apart from her.

    The two last lines bother me a bit. they should be like this, in my opinion:

    that's a timeless story
    of why i dream so much

    just a little, correction, really :)


    Nyn
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by Nynaeve | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...ya this was really really good. It hit somewhere with me...my boyfriend is in iraq and it's funny how i can dream about him and have it be completely not real...but when i wake up...feel like we just spent time together. Your poem reminded me of that...there is no other way to see or touch or be with him..and dreaming has to be the next best thing. It is the ONLY thing. Really great job. You captured the emotions and thoughts and feelings really well. :)
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey shadow life ;0)

    Nice poem ;0) I have read it a couple of times and enjoyed the flow and the rhymes in it. It is not my style to rhyme me through life, but I liked reading it ;0) I must say, that you started well and I felt you got lost in the rhymes in the end, and therefore did it loose some of its magic ;0)

    Keep writing ;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all the poem itself, the words, the meaning, .. just beautiful. "when angels cast me on their wings" <- I love that!
    "you are the reason the sweetest wine
    tastes to me like hell" <- this line made me smile.
    Now for critque, (I'm not much good at this, but I'll try..lol.)
    I think it could end at the 6th stanza and still be an excellent write.. If left in, the last two need a little work, not sure just what though.
    An enjoyable read.. You write well!

    Welcome to Elite!

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      well...

    I'm kind of speechless but I get over that fast

    I guess I'll start with the story. Story is on the original side, and your imagination is like a dream I would love to live in. I think there's something wrong with me today, but it brought tears to my eyes. Very wistful, sad, yet sweet.

    Word choice I was impressed with.
    'mourning sky begins to weep '
    i think we've all heard this type of analogy before-rain to sky's tears, but somehow you keep it fresh.
    'when angels cast me on their wings
    and lead me to your side '
    if I was the girl you wrote this for, I'd probably like... swoon or something
    'you are the reason my soul divine
    casts its earthly shell
    you are the reason the sweetest wine
    tastes to me like hell '
    and this is my absolute favorite, I'm still caught in the floetry of the words.
    I take it he's telling her that she's why he dreams, and she's why he is so miserable

    Okay. The Lady is right... the ending not only seems forced, it is out of touch the rest of the piece.
    I SUCK at rhyme schemes, so I don't mess with them. But if you followed format so perfectly through all of that poem, you should finish with it at the end.

    And you had a little problem with the word 'field'... mispelling error.

    Other than that, I was just awe-struck with your imagination and your ability to translate that onto paper. If you make revisions, come back and tell me ... this was a pleasure to read, thank you for asking me to do so.

    ~be easy
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
      i loved this, i could imagine everything as i read it, it has to be said that you have a great talent, and you have grasped what love truely could be, and how it feels to lose someone so close, definatly one of my favourits, keep em coming x x x x
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by secret kisses | [ Reply to This ]


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