wow...ya this was really really good. It hit somewhere with me...my boyfriend is in iraq and it's funny how i can dream about him and have it be completely not real...but when i wake up...feel like we just spent time together. Your poem reminded me of that...there is no other way to see or touch or be with him..and dreaming has to be the next best thing. It is the ONLY thing. Really great job. You captured the emotions and thoughts and feelings really well. :)
Nice poem ;0) I have read it a couple of times and enjoyed the flow and the rhymes in it. It is not my style to rhyme me through life, but I liked reading it ;0) I must say, that you started well and I felt you got lost in the rhymes in the end, and therefore did it loose some of its magic ;0)
First of all the poem itself, the words, the meaning, .. just beautiful. "when angels cast me on their wings" <- I love that! "you are the reason the sweetest wine tastes to me like hell" <- this line made me smile. Now for critque, (I'm not much good at this, but I'll try..lol.) I think it could end at the 6th stanza and still be an excellent write.. If left in, the last two need a little work, not sure just what though. An enjoyable read.. You write well!
I guess I'll start with the story. Story is on the original side, and your imagination is like a dream I would love to live in. I think there's something wrong with me today, but it brought tears to my eyes. Very wistful, sad, yet sweet.
Word choice I was impressed with. 'mourning sky begins to weep ' i think we've all heard this type of analogy before-rain to sky's tears, but somehow you keep it fresh. 'when angels cast me on their wings and lead me to your side ' if I was the girl you wrote this for, I'd probably like... swoon or something 'you are the reason my soul divine casts its earthly shell you are the reason the sweetest wine tastes to me like hell ' and this is my absolute favorite, I'm still caught in the floetry of the words. I take it he's telling her that she's why he dreams, and she's why he is so miserable
Okay. The Lady is right... the ending not only seems forced, it is out of touch the rest of the piece. I SUCK at rhyme schemes, so I don't mess with them. But if you followed format so perfectly through all of that poem, you should finish with it at the end.
And you had a little problem with the word 'field'... mispelling error.
Other than that, I was just awe-struck with your imagination and your ability to translate that onto paper. If you make revisions, come back and tell me ... this was a pleasure to read, thank you for asking me to do so.
i loved this, i could imagine everything as i read it, it has to be said that you have a great talent, and you have grasped what love truely could be, and how it feels to lose someone so close, definatly one of my favourits, keep em coming x x x x