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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Flower Makes Me Think of Herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bent
    Elite Ratio:    6.9 - 244/157/18
    Words: 229
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1090
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1463



    Description:
       rounin's piece 'you can't stand next to her' got me thinking about this. Then I had a conversation with someone who wishes he had been this and done this when he had the chance.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Flower Makes Me Think of Herdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I picked it up in the checkout line.
    It was there, it wasn't too expensive,
    and I wanted her to know
    how much love I have in my heart;
    So I added it to my cart.
    I tell her the flower is for her,
    but if she were away, I'd buy it still.

    The flower makes me think of her.

    The stem so slender and tall,
    carries the moisture of life,
    bends to and fro, yet remains whole.
    Sparse leaves adorn the stem with grace.
    The myriad tones of chloro-green
    And veins in the leaves that offer life --
    they cradle rays of sunlight,
    and puddle raindrops as they fall.

    Each petal of the blossom,
    of perfect form and velvet smooth,
    proclaims another shade of pastel glory;
    each hue devoutly celebrated
    for its part in perfect bliss and joy.

    Layer after layer after layer
    of divine beauty unfolds
    as the bloom performs before my eyes.
    Entranced, I cannot look away
    for the fear of missing a single second.

    The flower is cut -- its remaining life
    metered by the days it can sup
    from a vase, rather than rich, black soil.
    And when it fails, returns to Mother Earth,
    I'll buy another, to show her again,
    and to remind myself...

    The flower makes me think of her.








    Submitted on 2005-04-04 12:57:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      life and love is so amazing like this, you just look at a person and there perfect, beautiful, and all you ever wished for, and I thnk it is the beauty and meaning of life to find that pure love in sometimes such a cold world. The poem reminds me of walking by, aimlessly, maybe thinking about something else in a total different dimension, when you walk by and see the love of life, and maybe like your poem stated it is not the actual thing, but something that reminds you so deaply of their existance.

    I love the use of the flower, and how a flower jsut like a relationship needs to be tended to, by love and care. It is a great connection, not only to the other love.

    the poem is so carefree and I think the setting really adds to it, just a store with flowers as a setting, it reminds me that even in a normal day and normal life you can find extrodianay things, maybe not love, but it reminds me that there is more than meets the eye when you first take a look.

    I love the poem, it so cheerful and uplifting, thanks for the post.
    much love
    kaitylizzy
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
      Does she have any flaws? Well, she must be beautiful.

    I love this
    'I tell her the flower is for her,
    but if she were away, I'd buy it still.'

    and this ending

    'The flower is cut - its remaining life
    metered by the days it can sup
    from a vase, rather than rich, black soil.
    And when it fails, returns to Mother Earth,
    I'll buy another, to show her again,
    and to remind myself...

    The flower makes me think of her.'

    was a joy.

    It would probably make me cry if someone wrote that about me...

    my only complaint is that it's very gooey, icky adoration type. It's like idol worship.

    'Each petal of the blossom,
    of perfect form and velvet smooth,
    proclaims another shade of pastel glory;
    each hue devoutly celebrated
    for its part in perfect bliss and joy.'

    Eeeeewww, lol. Nah, my point is that it's a little much. It's very sweet, but these things can become too sweet, feel me?
    This all has to do with taste, of course. The next person may fall on their knees and gaze upwards in awe.

    I also appreciate the spirit of innocence. It's not that you were bull[censored]ting, it's just that there's too much stardust in those eyes and that makes the reading a little affected.

    Realistically (I would think, but I wouldn't know now would I) love has its flaws. You love that person to death... but they still get on your nerves. You still want to throttle them in their sleep as they lay snoring next to you. But you don't because you love them.
    Or maybe you do it because you love them. I guess I'm trying to say that realistically, love is twisted.

    ~Akhi
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
      aaaw... I'm moved. Such a special love you portrayed here. It's so beautiful to see the flower almost as a mirror, a reflection of the loved girl. You got me hooked immediately in the first stanza, when you describe just needing to buy the flower as well. It's just sad the flower will die, but you recuperate the hope and happiness you presented us with by committing yourself to buying another flower and continuing the cycle.

    I was only slightly bothered by the use of chloro-green, maybe because I just finished studying biology and that just took my focus off for a second, hehe, but it was beautiful nonetheless. I just fell in love with this poem! I hope you don't mind, lol, but I'm adding it to my favorites.

    Thank you!
    drika
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]
      Very pretty, very real. Makes you feel as if you're sitting there and staring at the flower yourself. Nicely detailed imagery...
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a roughness to this poem and to my mind it feels unfinished, or I should say, needs polishing. It has that early draft feel you get sometimes with a poem. I'm not saying it's sloppy, not at all, it's a gem, uncut and unpolished, if you take my meaning. This poem has to be held to a much higher standard because it is already facing the challenge of the theme, which is a cliché (as are a lot of poems we write about love). So difficult to find something fresh to say, something new, something undone. There are some original approaches to this piece and I believe with another sweep of the pen, just for polish, you'd be onto something special here. I know this isn't particularly helpful and I've held off on giving specific examples, so let me do that now.

    In S1, it reads:

    "I picked it up in the checkout line.
    It was there, it wasn't too expensive,
    and I wanted her to know
    how much love I have in my heart;
    So I added it to my cart.
    I tell her the flower is for her,
    but if she were away, I'd buy it still."

    In L2 you wrote "It was there," and I'm thinking in L1 you already told us it was, and even in L1 you say you picked it up, but say that again in L5. So, the choice of words, ideas conveyed are a little haphazard, when you could use the space to tell us more about what kind of flower it is, what it looked like, or set the stage a little better . . . something more, visual. Because as it is, there's way too much fluff. It needs trimming.

    In S1.5-2:

    "The flower makes me think of her.

    "The stem so slender and tall,
    carries the moisture of life,
    bends to and fro, yet remains whole.
    Sparse leaves adorn the stem with grace.
    The myriad tones of chloro-green
    And veins in the leaves that offer life -
    they cradle rays of sunlight,
    and puddle raindrops as they fall."

    There is something throwing me off about the first line, maybe it's the "so" coming off a bit heavy, and then in L2 begins with "Carries" a passive word . . . followed by "moisture of life" which is cliché. The combination hurts this entire stanza, and I would suggest finding something stronger in its place. You're going to hate me before this is through, but I'm trying to help, LOL. "Myriad tones" is another lazy phrase that is fluff and doesn't tell us a thing, it says nothing, and saps the life from this stanza (pun intended). "Chloro-green"???? No, no, no, ohhh, this won't do at all. I know what you were thinking, but please no. The rest of the stanza is better, but could use some trimming.

    Onward!

    "Each petal of the blossom,
    of perfect form and velvet smooth,
    proclaims another shade of pastel glory;
    each hue devoutly celebrated
    for its part in perfect bliss and joy."

    Now what I am seeing is some kind of "rainbow" flower, each petal a different color, but I'm not sure what color, because the poet hasn't told us . . . again, fluffy and indistinct. It's weak. There are some religious undertones in this stanza as well, and I might suggest giving some thought to the tone this creates. Is it really what you're going for in a romantic poem?

    Next we move on to S4, and:

    "Layer after layer after layer
    of divine beauty unfolds
    as the bloom performs before my eyes.
    Entranced, I cannot look away
    for the fear of missing a single second."

    The problem with this stanza is it objectifies the woman in question. You're not seeing her at all, or at least not communicating what you see in her. If you want to impress a woman, show her how much you love her, you must let her see how you SEE her. What is it about her that is unique and moving? "Divine" and similar conveyences . . . detract from the whole.

    "The flower is cut - its remaining life
    metered by the days it can sup
    from a vase, rather than rich, black soil.
    And when it fails, returns to Mother Earth,
    I'll buy another, to show her again,
    and to remind myself..."

    "Sup" is a bit of an anachronism, don't you think? It's not a word we use today, at least not in this form. Be careful of such words, they too will kill a poem unless it is carefully crafted.

    "The flower makes me think of her."

    What kind of flower is she?
    | Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really good, and I've never seen anything just like it before, good job! I love how you wrote the whole thing, it just all fits together. Keep up the great work!
    | Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so pretty and so original...I mean I have never read one like this...I like how you set yourself in the checkout line in the begginnning, that was cool, and the way you compare her throughout the poem with the flower was good. Very nice poem.
    | Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      well been awhile since i droped by to see ya and man i can see you've been busy! this is so beautiful. i love how you talk of the flower describing it's every inch while in reality you are describing her. honestly i don't even know what to say to you about this, i am just so in love with it***

    Jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there. Well I am very impressed by this piece. I adore the comparison of the lover to a flower. I'm sure it's been used many a time. But it's very memorable in this piece.

    I particularly enjoyed the lines that created the image of puddles on flower petals. That is some beautiful imagery.

    I cannot find anything in particular that I would change about this piece. I think the intent has been accomplished and done so in a very distinct manner. This is a memorable piece. Great work. Much love to ya.

    -Samantha
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      You compared her to a flower. It was interesting. I love your word-usage. "Velvet smoth." I like. How you repeat the last line throughout make sit tie together really nicely. Good job.

    Oh, and about the stalking thing. I'm only stalking you because I want to know whenever you have written a new poem. Like to keep track of my fave poets. :)

    Have a great day, bent!
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by Areinaka | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww, that is such a sweet poem, relating her and the meory of her to a flower is very sweet. I loved it from the beginning to the end, it's very sweet! Keep on writing, You write excellent poetry!

    **I.N.D.E.L.I.B.L.E._I.N.K.**
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Indelible_ink | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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