Hey mister! In your journal you said this was about reincarnation. Interesting. :) I don't really know if I believe in it or not. I don't dis-rule anything really. Well back to this piece. It didn't really seem about reincarnation to me. I thought it was right before someone died. Like right after they did something, *killing the she in this piece* then thinking about what will happen when they die. :) It's a really abstract write and can go many ways. Good job with this. We need more people trying different things. :) hugs! -blt
A nice lot of symbolism here, I'll take a guess and think electric chair, cos that's the first thought I had. Condemned to death for murdering his love. ""I can never forgive you for what you've done..." she loved you" Maybe I'd put that part after the "so beautiful", to split the present and the past better, but that's just me, I thought it was very good. Cheers Graeme
Some interesting imagery sprouts from this piece. Nice contrast between terrifying and beautiful. Red lightning, I was going to write a song with that title, never got round to it. This may inspire me further, so thanks, in advance, for posting this.
The only bits that seemed to be tweakable to me was "sandstorm" and the last stanza. For me, "sandstorm" sounds a bit too violent with everything else in context and I would suggest something like "fog" or "mist" for less violence and more mystery which should be elevated at the start of this particular write in my view. The last stanza is certainly tricky, and although I had a few vague idea of what it should sound like I can't really explain it, which means I may as well have left this sentance out. It sounds a bit angry, again, and on the subject of rebirth should sound a bit more positive and reincarnation in a positive view of the post-death experience. That'll have to do.
On the whole I thought this write was pretty solid and nicely done touching on the subject it did. Nice work!
If you wouldn't mind commenting on my first write for a long while, that would be great. Cheers.