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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Single Dreamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1050
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 858



    Description:
       Having got back to writing, I hope to get back to serious commenting with a little more creativity. This is third of my three haikus that I decided to write as poems and the title has changed for this so it is not so self centered, as a lot of people might feel the same as I do.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSingle Dreamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Words cannot harm now.
    Memories of the history
    Take their places on the walls,
    Each one a different picture
    And a unique reminder
    In a solemn past
    Of a mind, remembering.

    Some places still lay bare,
    Prepering for occupation
    In the future.
    There's no "first date" section
    Or even a memento
    Of a first kiss
    For a mind, dreaming.

    Staring at the floor,
    Continuing along what is left
    In the trust that one day
    Some of the spaces
    Now gathering dust
    Will be filled
    In a mind, hoping.

    Maybe I'll stare forever
    But there is always hope,
    And so long as I live
    It will be my single dream
    To hold close the one I love
    And to be loved in return.




    Submitted on 2005-04-04 14:48:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think that alot of us dream about that perfect relationship where we are in love and loved in return. I love this piece, it has a lot of visuals.
    Very nice write. I noticed when i started it that it didn't rhyme so i almost stopped reading but it keeped me glued so to speak. I noticed that at the end of each stanza there were rhyming words. I like how it went; REMEMBERING, DREAMING, HOPING, and then RETURN.
    Its like all those things you mentioned are what you were feeling, and doing in a sense, but none of them were concrete fact, but then at the end RETURN was. It is what seemed to happen. If i am wrong about this i am sorry, but either way the write was great.
    thanks for a great read.

    PEACE

    ~MaGgIe
    | Posted on 2007-07-29 00:00:00 | by Magger32 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think we've all felt this (or still feel this) way... to love and be loved in return. I like the use of "pictures on a wall" as a symbol of memories had, and those you long to have.
    Also, I like the way you ended the first 3 stanzas with "the mind.."
    My daughter is 16 and has these same feelings.. but.. in time .. there will be those memories you wish for, hanging up there on the wall along with the others.
    This is a good write.
    Take Care!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-05-08 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, first critique :P...If this was originally written as a haiku, why not put the haiku either in the description or before the poem (I think that would be cool to see :)) Interesting...I got the impression that you were using past loves/girlfriends/affections as pictures on your wall...having failed to meet your expectations...From there you go to describing the empty spaces of the anticipated failed loves ahead of you yet you still maintain the hope of finding your soul mate! Noble ambition :)

    Gotta a good book for you too if my interpretation is correct The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach. One of my favorite books and this poem kind of reminded me of it :)

    Anyways, good job, and I'll try to read some more of your stuff!

    Stw
    | Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a well written love poem although in some ways it seems almost hidden. I don't really like your ending but I love your transition of thoughts and feeling. You write them well and they help give the peice a much better sense of flow. I love the beginning, it is just so well exacuted. I love the way you mention a wall, I suppose a metaphor for the mind. I like how you mention the empty spaces to be filoled by memories yet to come. I think that this is a very creative peice. I like how early on in the peice you give the subject a sense of want and feed of that desire for the rest of the peice.
    I like this, thanks for the read. PEACE.
    | Posted on 2005-05-04 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      ok james i really havent commented in a while so ill make this the best i can. alrighty, i also really liked the beginning with how u used the walls to place your memories and said how they are all different. that was said really nicely. and i got confused in the second stanza in the second line was it supposed to be preparing?? cuz at first that just kinda confused me but im assuming so. and i noticed at the last line of every stanza you had your mind either, hoping, dreaming or remembering and i noticed u didnt use it in your last stanza and kinda threw the ending off. but then again it sounds good at the same time. well i dunno. i think thats all i have to say for now. hope this comment doesnt suck too much. :-P. haha.

    bren
    | Posted on 2005-04-17 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there James!

    Overall I think this is a really good piece. I'll be honest in saying at times I thought the overall flow was just a TAD bit off, but I think recently you told me that this is one of your first stabs at free verse, so I cant really say much against you. If this is a first stab, then kudos man cause you kicked arse at that piece. My first free verse, heck, all of my free verse doesnt come that close to perfection:O)

    Even though in most pieces I would say the last two lines are cliché, I have to say they fit in PERFECTLY in this piece.

    I really enjoyed reading this and I hope you get something else posted soon:O)

    -Kayla
    | Posted on 2005-04-11 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jim, remember me? Lolavie! Im back commenting and reading all the poetry ive neglected for so long. Your poem is brilliant. I dont why I wanted to cry while reading this. Well Im single and I yearn for someone as you do in this piece. Ill be commenting again soon :)
    | Posted on 2005-04-11 00:00:00 | by lolavie | [ Reply to This ]
      hey jim, its been a while since i read any more of your work, and i did now, and gotta say, this is an interesting concept, the whole metaphor of someones mind being a bare room, waiting to be occupied.

    just this line bothers me: "Memories of the history", i personally feel that "memories of the past" would be better. but thats just me.

    that was the only part where i was stuck a little. anyways james, buddy, great to see yu writing again.

    see ya around

    Zu
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah exactly what wewalk said, sorry for covering the same old stuff, but if you listen to his advice you can truly improve your skills. Oh I liked you poem as well, nicely done.
    your friend
    ben
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice image of a wall full of pictures, and the empty spaces of memories yet to happen. I really liked the first verse, the "first date" line in the next verse seemed a bit out of sync with the rest of it though, in regards to style.
    "Staring at the floor,
    Continuing along what is left
    In the trust" that doesn't really make sense with no reference to exactly what you're continuing along
    "And so long as live" I guess this is a typo with "I" missing?
    I see you fixed the ending, it's really good now. Well done, be happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      well i would say this is an interesting concept.. though it is one that is conceived very often.. being loved in return is the only thing most people really want.. the annoying thing is most people are afraid to fully open their heart and for good reason.. though most people only want to be loved in return.. some people just want to play with masks and give a fake love until they get what they want..

    so how does one know when the final mask is lifted? ha good question and let me know when you have an answer..

    your writing is facinating.. it has me thinking again which is always dangerous lol..

    the only thing i could see here is again at your ending.. "to be loved back" i don't know but it seemed to annoy me because "back" is used so often.. perhaps you could throw in something like "in return" for the ending.. it just seems to slide together a bit more..

    mkay that's all i got for ya..

    all the best

    Adam
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by Pyrosis | [ Reply to This ]
      so good to see you writing again :) i think that this is beautiful. th only thing that didn't grab me was the ending. i get why you wrote it that way i just think it could be written differently. but my opinion here. i love how you go from a mind left alone trying to remember and then trying to hope and finally a mind that'a at piece with the love it longed for. i don't know if that makes a lot of sense since yeah, i'm having one of those days so my comment is pretty much pointless right now. but great job on putting this together.

    Jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-04-04 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      This sounds like a love poem (duh that is because it is) but anyway i don't read much of these anymore so i would like to thank you for aving me from the dark side. so yeah this is really good and i hope to read from you again... THNX

    - Nammy
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]


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