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    dots Submission Name: I think ... I see... I feeldots

    Author: Shadows Life
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 127/127/27
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 1012
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 679

       a man sits at his lovers deathbed holding onto her willing her to live and pleading to god that she may not die

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI think ... I see... I feeldots

    i think my demons are calling
    i see the end is finally here
    i feel your tears they are falling
    as i hold on to you my dear

    i think the angels have left me
    i see that hope is no where near
    i feel your fingers caress me
    as you slowly start to disappear

    i think my life is now ending
    i see myself give into fear
    i feel your heart beats fading
    as your fate becomes so clear

    i think that your dying
    yet vainly to keep you here
    i see you flying
    now the angels they appear
    i feel myself crying
    and still hold on to you my dear

    Submitted on 2005-04-05 16:42:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, that was somehow really really interesting! I really am not sure whether I have read any of your poems before or not! I think I didn't! But I think after reading this one I'll try to read more of your poems and may be watch out for your posts in the future too!

    And now about the poem itself; I think that this is a very sadly beautiful poem indeed, I really loved it, of course the subject of the poem isn't new but the way it was presented was very beautiful (in my point of view), the poem is very well written with no spelling mistakes and that is a very important thing because I beleive that spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem.

    And I must talk about the tittle ( I think ... I see... I feel ), which was very well chosen and captures the minds of the readers (it captured mine), and also the description which I beleive to be a very important tool for the writer to use to capture the attention of the reader and to give a prior presentation to the poem and you totally succeeded in presenting the idea of your poem.

    Ithink the words were well chosen and the emotion was flowing all over the poem, and also the obvious sincerity of the poem, and of course the beautiful images created like when you say

    "i think my demons are calling
    i see the end is finally here"

    And I also loved the finale that says

    "i see you flying
    now the angels they appear
    i feel myself crying
    and still hold on to you my dear"

    And also the flow and the rhyming was somehow good and didn't seem forced.

    I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really really nice. I liked it alot. It was really deep and nicely written. Is this about something that's actually happened too you or just something you decided to write about? From what I got about the discription, it was just something you decided to write about. But I can't really see that cause there was so much emotion in it. The piece flowed really well except one line (The same line that I always had to read a couple times to get).

    "i think that your dying
    yet vainly to keep you here"

    It was hard to read through I thought and it just doesn't make sense. Maybe put "Yet vainly I try to keep you here". Just an idea. Other than that I thought it was great. Good Job.
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by BlackAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      *moment of silence* (just to let it all sink in) *deep breath* wow, this...this is so deep. I liked it so much. it felt so reall i could picture it so clearly (death being a constent subject among my friends). i have but one critique i found one tiny flaw that in turn almost trew me off completely. in the last stanza the second line, it says "yet vainly to keep you here" yet that doesn't entirely make scence dispite the fact that i know what you mean, my point? not everyone might. but i guess i see your problem with changing it so just hope everyone gets it. oh! another mistake in grammer. last stanza, 1st line you wrote "your" it's "you're" (sorry if i'm too picky). the begining sort of reminds me of a poem i recently wrote called "Go away!" mabye... check it out sometime?
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by dead,yetalive | [ Reply to This ]
      before i had even finished i found this hard to take.
    and there is no easy way of saying this, and it would have been so much easier to just move on and ignore it, but i am here now so i might as well speak my mind.

    this is something we see here hundreds of times every day.
    and that is not your fault, it is just what you and all of us have to compete against if we want to have our own voice, here and in the real world.

    it is all about the rhyme and the serious over use of i and me and my and mememe,
    it all shouts the message of depressive teen.
    and the breathless rhythm and the structure.

    my advice would be, and it means little, so take it as you will,
    to have a little look around.
    see what others are writing.
    look at some classics if you want, though i am not into that myself.
    see what works for individuals. that is not to copy but to see how people find their own voice. and their own way of getting that voice across.

    you might just find yourself in your search.

    take care
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]

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