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    dots Submission Name: All alone in the darkdots

    Author: Star
    ASL Info:    15 F WI
    Elite Ratio:    2.69 - 125/127/42
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 1233
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 548

       Its a song that i thought up a long time ago still awork in progress
    If you think about it it has the same background as "Follow me"

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAll alone in the darkdots

    Sitting in you room all alone in the dark
    Waiting for you
    Wondering where you are

    Your down at the curb waiting for me
    Wondering, baby, if I'm at our favorite tree

    Looking out the window I see you there
    The pain in your eyes is more than I can bear

    You look at me with tears in your eyes
    and now I know about those lies

    Tears form and fall
    hating, loving, forgiving
    Wanting it all
    It hurts to feel this way about you

    Submitted on 2005-04-05 18:25:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hello there.
    It would be interesting to hear this sung. I've worked writing lyrics with a songwriter for about three years now, so I know a thing or two about them.
    It has a very odd structure for a song with no visible verse/chorus/verse/chorus/middle8 structure that I can see. That's why I say it would be interesting to hear it sung.
    I have a few suggestions that may help you, first, if I were you, I wouldn't capitalise the word 'Baby', as far as I know, it doesn't need a capital letter.
    Next, the line "and now i know about those lies" needs both the beginning letter, and the letter I capitalised, sorry, I'm a bit of a stickler about people not capitalising the letter 'I', in poetry. It makes you look unprofessional, which you're not. Just having all the capital letters and punctuation in the right places means that people are going to take you more seriously when they read your work.
    With that in mind, I wouldn't capitalise the words 'HATING, LOVING, FORGIVING', it's not necessary, the structure of your writing and the way you use punctuation should emphasise your words, not writing in caps like some 12 year old AOLer :D
    Finally, I'd go back and look at your punctuation, you always need to make sure you punctuate your poems properlly, again, it's a credibility issue.
    Anyway, all that grammar nit-picking aside, this lyric does a good job of getting a feeling of discontent and unease across, although I'm not exactly sure where it's going or what it's saying.
    The line "Wondering, Baby, if I'm at our favorite tree" really grates me up the wrong way, it seems constructed to get the rhyme at the end of the line, and the line itself seems to make no sense. Remember you don't need to force a rhyme the whole time, especially in songs, they're not necessary, the way the voice moves and flows means that rhyming isn't as important.
    Still, that said, as it's a lyric then a lot of that is less important. A pretty good lyric can make for an amazing song if it's sung properlly.
    Hope I haven't caused any offense, there was none meant, and my overall opinion of the lyric is not a bad one, I can just see few ways it could be better and I'm not shy about telling you what they are.
    Would be interested to see where you go with this, and maybe one day hear it set to music.
    Good luck with it!
    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
      wow star I remember when we were at dads and we were singing that! Your an awsome sister I want you to no that! I love you so much, just the way you are!
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ]
      thanks for the post i like this it makes u question many things like the the part where it says "You look at me with tears in your eyes
    and now i know about those lies"
    | Posted on 2005-04-10 00:00:00 | by Wook | [ Reply to This ]
      Neat lyrics! Really original subject. I don't completely understand the plot, but I'm really tired, so... I love the description at the end,

    hating, loving, forgiving
    Wanting it all

    It really gets the confusion across. I hope you finish it sometime, I look forward to reading the rest of it.
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by Azure | [ Reply to This ]

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