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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bloodstains in the Carpetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PierceMySoul
    Elite Ratio:    4.93 - 17/28/12
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 840
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 784



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBloodstains in the Carpetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bloodstains in the carpet deep in my mind.
    Somewhere hidden, unwilling to be found.
    Very few souls even attempt the search.
    What they uncover makes their hearts uneasy.
    To see the stains will not soil their own spirit.
    It will not send them to a perilous end.
    It is only a scene played in my mentality.
    It is still a bloodstain, its there for a reason.
    Conflict occurred to create the mark.
    Was the smudge created in vain?
    It is as if no one cares to see it.
    It is there so obvious to those who look.
    A stain is not something easily erased.
    I see it whenever I think of what came to pass.
    The stain is a memory only in my mind.
    But it is a stain that will endure forever.




    Submitted on 2005-04-06 01:46:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this piece a lot. I loved the bloodstains imagery, I thought it was very fluid and macabre. I enjoyed the rant like tone of this piece as well- your words were both captivating and asphyxiating at the same time. This requires a special gift, and I think you exercise that easily in this piece. Keep it up.
    -Q
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by TechnoticQ | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Hello PierceMYsoul

    I have read your poem a couple of times and liked the idea behind it. The flow is not so good, because you are getting lost in your long sentences and some of it still need some more work ;0) I think it could become quite interesting if your tried to remove some of the words and looked carefully at your structure ;0) Nice work ;0)

    Keep writing ;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      I find it helps if I don't focus on myself too much that I lose sight of other people and things in my life. It's like posting your poems here. If you only focus on your own work, pretty soon you're the only one who is. Other people stop showing up because you don't give anything back. This is a metaphor but it is also a truism.

    Some things do stay with us a long time and aren't easy to put behind us. But eventually the colors aren't as vivid, the message isn't so sharp, and if we're paying attention to the present, other things enter our lives and after awhile there's so much furniture covering the carpet, it's gonna be hard to remember and you'll think "now, where did I leave that old bloodstain, anyways?"
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Deep... it's always nice reading your poems even if they aren't happy ones. Like Siren said "It shows how a bad memory can prevail".
    It also tells me that no matter how hard you try it's very hard to forget memories and it's harder to forget a bad memory or even a traumatizing memory. Sorry I can't write to much cause i'm on the verge of throwing up all over the computer (I have the flu) but all in all I love it and i'm adding it to my favs. 1 love
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by C. Flava | [ Reply to This ]
      You can never seem to put the past totally behind you, because somewhere down the line, little bits and pieces of that memory basically come back to bite you in the ass(pardon my language). No matter how hard you try to forget, it won't ever go away, which I have learned from experience.

    There were a few errors I found while reading this, most of which I agree with Virgil on. Some of the punctuation was alittle off, I noticed that in the first line. Just a simple error.

    If you take out some rather overused and redundant words here and there, and maybe seperate some thoughts with punctuation, it would make the piece more understandable and more enjoyable to read.

    Even though there were a few errors here and there, this was still a strong read. You captured the feeling of not being able to forget memories very well. I like the imagery used as well, but I feel you used the word "stain" too much. Maybe if you got into a thesaurus and found different synonyms for the word, it can vary up the poem alittle bit.

    Once again, still an enjoyable read. I am looking forward to reading more of your work.

    Later
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by xeternalshadowx | [ Reply to This ]
      Good, it shows how a bad memory can prevail no matter how hard you try to rid yourself of it. It stays there, forever hidden, until a small detail comes to you and then the whole thing comes flooding back , even though you wanted to forget.
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Siren Mengana | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, this is kinda trippy, and I'm left reeling after the first few lines. I'm gonna break this down line-by-line and tell you what I think/ ask you what the f.uck is goin' on, as I cannot give true poetic advice until I know the thoughts, reasons, motivations and feelings behind each piece; behind each line, behind each word.


    Bloodstains in the carpet deep in my mind.

    Okay, how did you mean this one? Because, if you meant that the carpet is in your mind, then the punctuation is fine as it is. HOWEVER, if you meant that this picture of this carpet, or a metaphorical carpet is bloodstained, then the punctuation would need to be as follows:

    "Bloodstains in the carpet, deep in my mind."

    Also, you might consider giving this poem a more even meter. I think a start could be using the word "inside" in the stead of "in."


    Somewhere hidden, unwilling to be found.

    This is a sentence fragment, but then; this is not a paragraph. It's a poem. You do not have a full idea expressed here, though in any case. I think this line would be best utilised were it affixed to the first one.


    Very few souls even attempt the search.

    I believe here you are talking about a bit of good 'ole soul-scrying. Dig deep in your soul and find yourself... (but yeah, who else are you going to find if you're inside your soul, and not your mind?) And sadly, few indeed are those who ever wish to look in the mirror and discover who they are. More should be so bold.


    What they uncover makes their hearts uneasy.
    To see the stains will not soil their own spirit.

    I figured I would keep this lines together as the second is, again, a fragment of a thought - though a whole thought is contained therein. I think the poem would be better served with the lines:

    "What they uncover... makes their hearts uneasy:
    to see the stains will not soil their spirit."

    Just added ellipses for a pause and took out a redundant word.


    It will not send them to a perilous end.

    Indeed, it seems people have some fear that finding themselves means loosing themselves. The thing is, their fear is well-placed! You will lose your former self, but it is for the better.


    It will not send them to a perilous end.

    This is where I begin to believe that my previous assumption that you were speaking about humans as a whole begins to fall apart. This is fruthered by latter lines and strengthened each time I read the poem; however, I shall stick to my guns.


    It is still a bloodstain, its there for a reason.
    Conflict occurred to create the mark.

    Again, I believe these two lines should be merged. A simple colon should do the job.

    "It is still a bloodstain. It's there for a reason:
    conflict occurred to create the mark."

    I also have some other issues with this fragment of the poem, but I'll not expound as I doubt their bringing to light of will help you in any way.


    Was the smudge created in vain?
    It is as if no one cares to see it.
    It is there so obvious to those who look.

    First thing that gets me here: redundancy. "It is, it is." It rather bugs me, but I may be alone on this one. Maybe:

    Was the smudge created in vain?
    It is as if no one cares to see it.
    O, how obvious it is to those who look.

    Okay, I may have got a little carried away there, but sometimes you have to in poetry. I mean, you can't very well talk like that in real life without being thrown into a straight jacket... (or becoming an under-paid English professor at some obscure university... or both.)


    A stain is not something easily erased.
    I see it whenever I think of what came to pass.
    The stain is a memory only in my mind.
    But it is a stain that will endure forever.

    These thoughts are al connected, talking about the nature of the stain, and how it will never go away. how it is a part of you, and it shapes every decision you make. It has control, if ever-so-slight, of your mind, and it's showing no signs of relent. I say "you" but I'm speaking to the character - which may or may not be you, the writer. I also have a revision for the last part:

    A stain is not something easily erased.
    I see it whenever I think of what has come to pass.
    This stain is a memory in my mind only -
    a stain that will endure forever.

    Okay, well... that is all for now. If you would like my opnion on any of your other works, or if you would prefer I did not comment on your works in the future, please let me know. I hope I have helped.

    - Virgil
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Aphotic Sunrise | [ Reply to This ]


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