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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: rockbottom/mountaintopdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nevender
    ASL Info:    23 M Uganda
    Elite Ratio:    5.58 - 350/301/83
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 697
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 675



    Description:
       just what it says


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrockbottom/mountaintopdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I can only hear my heart,
    I have failed to understand this hurt,
    I have not seen anyone that loves me
    Or anyone that cares
    Everyone is selfish
    In their own way they are,
    So it's wrong to whine
    Especially when nothing makes sense
    When you're a man.
    50kg man-ha! That I'm a man!
    It's funny coz its strange
    But true.
    So my little depression continues
    Goes up and down
    On a rollercoaster ride:
    Today i'm okay, try me tomorrow.
    And that's me
    Obviously i ask God-
    Why did You make me like this?
    Why am i so emotional?




    Submitted on 2005-04-06 02:19:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey sorry I've been meaning to comment on your latest poems since I havent commented on yours for awhile. So much emotion here Joel. I can definitely relate to this- you and I both know how hard it is. My days are like this everyday- yet some are better than others. But I still keep wondering as you do:Why did You make me like this?
    Why am i so emotional? I only wish I cd help more. I am here. Don't give up Joel. Don't let negativity win.
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      Only comment I have to make is about the nature of the Beast. Give yourself to something larger than yourself. Don't focus on what you're getting, but focus on giving, and it will all come back to you. You will wake up one day and realize you haven't been depressed in so long you won't be able to remember. I battled the black beast for a good few years after a very rough breakup, and after I did this, followed my bliss, as Joseph Campbell might say, over time I almost never felt its cold breath on my neck again. I know it sounds trite, or easier said than done, but I didn't SAY it was easy to DO . . . but hell, you reach a point where you've got nothing left to lose and you're not ready to give up. That's where the strength comes from and you realize no one in this world but you can ever truly complete you; only you can do that.
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      well, maybe you will appreciate this comment if only for the fact PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR ARE LESS IMPORTANT WHEN OVERSHADOWED BY THE MEANING OF THE POEM! Damn, these people get to giving feedback, and they open with grammar issues...anyways, somehow I overlooked the technicalities of the poem and instead found that the emotion behind it was quite meaningful, and interesting. Depression is a tough feeling to deal with, mostly you have to just let it play its course, and drive on. It can only get worse, know that much...I think this poem was thoughtful in the respect that I can completely relate to it, no matter what it is that makes you depressed, thats not the point. Release your emotions, its a good thing that you have them, but do it in the right way, like you have here, in a poem. Dont worsen the situation, much as you are compelled to 'make that difference' know what I mean? Anyways, just wanted to say I thought your poem meaningful to me because I know the feeling. Keep writing.

    TONY
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      ...the lack of capitals does not worry me one iota, in fact, I tend to get irritated by the "Capitals at the start of every line brigade" unless they are actually necessary. I like the title, in so far as it gives me the idea of a manic depressive especially as you later mention the roller coaster ride. To me at least it is as if you are making lots of statements, ones you may use when having a good therapy session with your mate over a few beers and that is fine. (most can surely relate to such moments even if they have never suffered from true clinical depression ) what would set it apart as a greater piece of work would be some word craft to illustrate the depths of your feelings with images and metaphors so that the reader has to think on a higher level, rather than just join you with another bottle of beer and nod.
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt this poem and I believe I know what your title wants to say, it's some kind of a metaphor for your emotional mood is it not? The reason I kind of liked this poem is because it sounded like something I would say as well. Emotional as I am, it does not take much to either depress me or satisfy me, which I find extremely accosting. Now, your poem sounds like something you would perhaps scream of frustration, not really a poem because it was so direct. I liked your poem and I understand how you may not wish to change it, because I never do. A changed poem is to me wrong because whenever I may correct it I'm normally not in the same state of mind that I was when I wrote it, then it would forced in the same direction and I can not do that.
    Thanks for sharing ;-)
    ablast...
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by ablast | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I haven't even read the piece yet and I already have a LOT of problems with it, my friend. This is not a good sign, but I shall comment without bias regardless, however, mind you, others will likely not do the same.

    Firstly, the title lacks capitalisation. This is defintely something that drew me NOT to click on this poem, but I did (obviously) because I thought I'd let you know that others may react similarly. Also, you may want to shorten it or think of something witty, but I'm just speaking from what I like to do, which may or may not be the best way to comment on poems, but... I like the way it makes my poems feel, so maybe it would work for you. But at least, I would take out one of them (Rock Bottom or Mountain Top) and post it in the description area that the full title of it is "Rock Bottom/ Mountain Top" if indeed you decide to keep the title.

    Secondly, the punctuation and, well, general grammar within the poem itself are some what lacking. Maybe you should consider revising it something like this?:

    I can only hear my heart.
    I have failed to understand this hurt.
    I have not seen anyone that loves me,
    or anyone that cares.
    Everyone is selfish -
    in their own way they are...
    So it's wrong to whine!
    Especially when nothing makes sense,
    because* you're a man.
    50 k.g. man - ha! That I'm a man!
    It's funny 'cause it's strange -
    but true.
    So, my little depression continues -
    goes up and down,
    on a rollercoaster ride:
    today I'm okay, try me tomorrow.
    And that's me.
    Obviously, I ask God,
    "Why did You make me like this!?
    Why am I so emotional...!?"

    Maybe something to that effect, but only you know what it was that you were trying to convey emotionally - I can only give you my poetic advice. And the double hyphens there... well, allow me to explain them. Hyphens, as you probably know, are used to connect two words together as a compound word or a compound name. Merriam-Webster, the ones who have the esteemed online dictionary, for instance. I'll not go on with this as I'm assured that you know what an hyphen is, but why the double-hyphen? Well, my former English instructor at my college, who completed a Ph.D. in some English course informed me that, in order to create a dash (the symbol we are looking for) you must use TWO hyphens. It just distinguishes it from an hyphen from a dash, and vice versa. For some reason I felt the need to explain that.

    Third, about the poem. It was short, depressed and repressÚdly angry: the anger wasn't outright. The poem seemed to stop itself right in it's middle, like maybe the person didn't get an answer back from God... I say the person, 'cause often times, the poem is not about the writer, it is about another. The poem seemed to rather push a little at what the person was trying to convey, but didn't quite make it.

    THEY DID AT THE END THOUGH! Yes, they did! "WHY, GOD, WHY!??? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!?? WHY ME!??" We're getting to the root of the problem here, the root of the feelings, the root of the poem. The reason it was written, perhaps this is just my misunderstanding, though. Here you are searching for the answers to questions you do not yet know. I'll not expound further on that one.

    Lastly, I too love Evanescence. And I love the word evanesce. Such a beautiful word within itself. Well, I believe I have said all I wanted to say.

    Overall assessment: rediscover the reason you wrote this and try and use the pen (or keyboard) to work at the problem.

    - Virgil

    P.S. Out of curiousity, how long have you been writing poetry?
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Aphotic Sunrise | [ Reply to This ]


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