oh goodness! You've left me all teary eyed. This is a really good piece. I really enjoyed it. Usually I get irked when pieces are seperated such as yours is, but I think with this piece it helps people to see the depths of what you're saying, it helps. This was really sweet, but at the same point really sad. And despite what other people say, I don't always think you need to leave everything to the imagination. If you had left me all lost and confused I would be very grrafied with you. lol. Nice write. Toodles luv!
Very dramatic. I also noticed a certain word that shows up at most of your poems - sorrow. It's a very deep word. A very fitting one for poems. However... maybe you should try and use it less. Try to describe the unhappiness in other words.
Other then that, babe... you know it's a great poem. You don't need me to tell ya that :)
I think this poem needs a lot of work. Basically, you tell the reader everything, and leave nothing to their imagination. It's very dull for a reader to have nothing to do! You need to make the reader work for meaning, and ambiguious readings will leave the audience thinking. Also, I'm a personal enemy of true rhymes - lost/cost, by/die. To me it gives a nursery rhyme feel to poems that should be serious or understated. It's the old cliché here, but try to incorporate some imagery or metaphor to get your message across. I really like the idea behind the line "his body so free his spirit not so" but I don't feel you've done the idea justice with the rhyme scheme etc. A line like (off the top of me head example) "He lashed himself with whips of inner entanglement" has the same meaning, but makes the reader think more, thus drawing them in and holding their interest. I'll have a look at some of your other work to see if you write in a similar style across board.
Oh ...My ... *cries and punches her monitor* ...You hit my weak spot ...And it hurts !...Love this ...Giving his life to save her own ....*sigh* ...Im so truly lost for words..I don't know if im overreacting because you explained everything thats going on with me right now ...or if its just as fantastic as i think....Maybe both *Nod* ... I have no words :( sorry ....Wouldn't change a thing ...Im adding it to my faves :) Blessed be