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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Aftermathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Shadows Life
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 127/127/27
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 923
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 836



    Description:
       the sorrows of a broken heart


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAftermathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There he lay on a floor of cold stone

    there he lay all broken... alone

    he whispered of love...he spoke of pain

    he wished that his heart, had not loved again

    He mentioned her name and all he had lost

    he lectured of sorrows...of love and its cost

    remembering the memories that now had gone by

    He cried out to God " please let me die"

    he pictured that day when he had let go

    his body so free his spirit not so

    he whispered goodbye, though he loved her still

    but the pains of their love were ones that could kill

    and now here he lay dying so sad and alone

    in giving his life he saved her own.








    Submitted on 2005-04-06 04:19:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      oh goodness! You've left me all teary eyed. This is a really good piece. I really enjoyed it. Usually I get irked when pieces are seperated such as yours is, but I think with this piece it helps people to see the depths of what you're saying, it helps. This was really sweet, but at the same point really sad. And despite what other people say, I don't always think you need to leave everything to the imagination. If you had left me all lost and confused I would be very grrafied with you. lol. Nice write. Toodles luv!
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      Very dramatic. I also noticed a certain word that shows up at most of your poems - sorrow. It's a very deep word. A very fitting one for poems. However... maybe you should try and use it less. Try to describe the unhappiness in other words.

    Other then that, babe... you know it's a great poem. You don't need me to tell ya that :)


    Nyn
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by Nynaeve | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this poem needs a lot of work. Basically, you tell the reader everything, and leave nothing to their imagination. It's very dull for a reader to have nothing to do! You need to make the reader work for meaning, and ambiguious readings will leave the audience thinking. Also, I'm a personal enemy of true rhymes - lost/cost, by/die. To me it gives a nursery rhyme feel to poems that should be serious or understated. It's the old cliché here, but try to incorporate some imagery or metaphor to get your message across. I really like the idea behind the line "his body so free his spirit not so" but I don't feel you've done the idea justice with the rhyme scheme etc. A line like (off the top of me head example) "He lashed himself with whips of inner entanglement" has the same meaning, but makes the reader think more, thus drawing them in and holding their interest. I'll have a look at some of your other work to see if you write in a similar style across board.
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by boompatah | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh ...My ...
    *cries and punches her monitor* ...You hit my weak spot ...And it hurts !...Love this ...Giving his life to save her own ....*sigh* ...Im so truly lost for words..I don't know if im overreacting because you explained everything thats going on with me right now ...or if its just as fantastic as i think....Maybe both *Nod* ...
    I have no words :( sorry ....Wouldn't change a thing ...Im adding it to my faves :) Blessed be
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]


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