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    dots Submission Name: Your Shell Covered Shoredots

    Author: C. Starr
    ASL Info:    35/yesplz/State of denial
    Elite Ratio:    4.22 - 130/196/68
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 851
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 845

       Written in 1994

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour Shell Covered Shoredots

    Cut through my veins and witness my blood, Open my eyes and steal my soul,
    My body you may have and my heart you may hold.
    I look up from my weakness and visit myself again,
    I remember my pain, look down and try to forget.
    Let me be satisfied and not stranded, crying in this deserted solitude of my heart,
    Either love me till I perish or don't even start.
    Please, don't leave me to die, here in the winter of my discontent,
    With no love or any chance to repent.
    You know the truth is spoken when unknown,
    With teary eyes and painful moans.
    You sing back to me softly 'my heart is yours',
    But you'll see no more of me with eyes full of sores,
    Never again will my dream soaked wave ride upon your shell covered shore.

    Submitted on 2005-04-06 05:16:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      It was ok the sea shell coverd shores?
    I really dont understand but i am not you
    allot of feeling but little direction
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by acapone | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd agree with working on this some more to provide a structure, because as it stands now, it reads more like prose than poetry. Also, it is rife with cliché' after cliché' ("winter of discontent" and "open my eyes" and "steal my soul" and "try to forget" and "crying in this deserted solitude" and so on). The title is a good one, but now you need to take the cluttering emotion and smooth it out, give it a rewrite and put in some serious toil and try to think in metaphors rather than cliché's, give us something original, and build your images around the "shell covered shore" (an image which is evocative and beautiful, and is without doubt the best thing about this piece).
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting. I liked the lines a lot, but there is virtually no form to it. I can not see any kind of structure. Your words were strong, but it seemed like you kept on pushing till the very end. The flow was messed up here and there, but nothing that a little revision can't fix. It seems as though you might have rushed it alittle bit and not payed attention to the flow of the piece. Sure, this was made over a decade ago, but I am sure that if you revised it now you could make it even better than it already is.

    Overall this wasn't that bad of a job. You have a strong soul. I am looking forward to reading more of your writings.

    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by xeternalshadowx | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked that- It was really good I think you lost the flow in a couple of places but the main thing is it seems forced. I dont know -I aloso think it should be formatted differently but thats just me. You know I just read it again and you have some really good lines but no real structure at all. I among all people should not be saying that because my writing tends to go here and there as well but you at first were ryming then you stopped tyhen you picked it up again- I prefer one or the other [know what I mean anyway you have good words I just wouold preferrt o see a diffent format of writting it
    L A M e m A N S T E R M $
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]

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