Description: I was assigned to write a love haiku for the literary magazine, and finally got around to it. It's my first, so suggestions and advice are entirely welcome.
Amorous Mere -------------------------------------------
A sigh on sweet wings
Crystalline depths of delight;
There lies enchantment.
this is very enchanting to read. i think you did well with this love haiku. i do know that haikus are supposed to be about nature, but this is of human nature so that works for me! nice job.
Very mystical and very deep (for a haiku type poem.) This should be something that is used to open up a novel because it is very open and awe-inspiring...
It's very cute, and not too shabby for a first. I somewhat like the original better but this one has it's moment of flare as well. You use a "sigh" a lot I've noticed, I rather like it but want to make sure you stay original. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with a little repetition if it's your own, similiar to your star fetish, but wanted to bring that to your attention.
Enchantment... must be quite flattering to whomever you love whenever they read this. One could only be so lucky. I think you have a great talent for pouring out devotion into words, perhaps you could spend it in new areas that you haven't dared to brave before?
Absolutely lovely! "Sweet wings" and "crystalline depths" have just the right touch to let the readers plug in their own emotions. You've done an excellent job! bent
I'll take a guess: your loved one's whisper? No, I reckon it's a flurry of snowflakes. They tell me that haikus traditionally don't have titles, and if you name it, you'll stop the reader guessing, right? Very nice haiku, you are now under the haiku curse? Many of us will tell you that you are as doomed as we are, marooned on the search for the perfect haiku...LOL Great Stuff Graeme
Beautiful... I don't know much about haiku except the 5-7-5 thing.. but this speaks "love" to me. For a first, I'd have to say, excellent! It has love wrapped all around it :) Well done!
Submission Name: Amorous Mere
