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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heartless Melodramadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 969
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 960



    Description:
       I have no idea how to feel about this, so any feedback would be appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeartless Melodramadots
    -------------------------------------------


    As the blood left my face
    I felt like I turned
    into a black and white photo of myself
    that ripped itself apart
    falling into a heap of ragged pieces
    about your tattered shoes
    (closer to your soles than ever to your soul).
    You look at me as though your cold, blue stare
    could make me pink and 3-D again,
    but you'd have to carefully assemble the bits,
    hold me close to your chest,
    and whisper the magic words
    (some variation of the cliché "I love you")
    to make me whole.
    You act like picking up the frail fragments would break your back,
    like those words are some unspeakable blasphemy.
    I need something to plug this heartless hole
    in my torn paper chest
    like some Purple Heart for my wound,
    but you'd better say something, do something
    before the wind deposits me at another man's feet.




    Submitted on 2005-04-06 14:24:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      there are just tiny nit-picking details that I am able to criticize here.

    As though your cold, blue stare
    Could make me pink and 3-D again
    -- maybe live again, I don't like the 3-D here, just me

    Before the wind deposits me at another man's feet
    -- maybe a line break after 'me'
    but it's a great poem as it is. I really like it. it's nice to come back and start reading with something like that. I especially love the lines

    (Closer to your soles than ever to your soul)

    and

    (Some variation of the cliché "I love you")
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      seriously... this is so heart breaking...
    i dont know if this is a personal plea to your boy or what but all the same it is amaing...

    i am a HUGE fan of stuff written in parenthesis... i use it all the time as you have prolly noticed but having said that its not something that works for everyone or everything but you have got it well and truely nailed in this piece...

    i like the idea of him being able to bring colour and dimension to your world, to your black and white photo life and it breaks me that he wouldnt want to given the chance...

    personally i would be letting the wind take me away but never to another mans feet... broken at ppls feet is just invitation for more brokeness i think (well today anyways...)

    i just rocked on by to say hi so i better say it while im here... HI!
    take care and love you and stuff
    bye for now
    jaydee
    | Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great Amy, I love the image of black and white photo and the idea of "I love you" or it's variation to make you 3D again, that is really a powerful means of describing how a breakup, or fatal blow can lay us flat.
    It's just my opinion that the three most overused words in the English language are "I love you" and the most.."I'm sorry". I see this poem as a treatise on honesty, and how it's good to speak our minds and be candid in relationships. When people talk good things happen. Great job, everyone can relate to this.
    Hugs and love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I do believe I have felt this way a time or two. And some men are not up to the task unfortunately. But thank goodness for the ones that are! I think I may have found one but I am not letting myself get too excited just yet. I really liked your poem. The flow was great and I loved the words 'torn paper chest'-God how often I have felt that way. I am gluing it back up right now and going for another pass with the wind! Hope Spring comes back soon!
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Everyone writes poems about their broken hearts and breakups. But only you could make it this interesting and fresh!
    The last part gives a clue as to why this girl was dumped. '...deposits me at another man's feet' shows that maybe she's too servient,too weak. If she can't first love herself,then no one can.
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this isn't bad but it needs some revision. I like the way you turn her into a B&W photo-very original device (at least I've never read it anywhere else). I feel the frustration of the narrator, but to me it seems very wordy. I think the ending's good, but the wind depositing her strikes me as weak, like she's not capable of doing anything on her own. If that's your intent by all means keep it, but that's my thought.
    | Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This is just so visually entertaining and mind stimulating. *That sounded stupid. LoL* But yeah, it really was. You had great descriptions and symbolic ideas in this. I think you should add this to your manuscript. I loved the "(Closer to your soles than ever to your soul)" part. It's poetic, tragically romantic *my new favorite phrase lol*, and a really meaningful story all in one. I also like the fact that you kept with the black and white photo throughout the whole piece. It really helped establish what the different combinations meant around it. Sry if that doesn't make sense. Made sense to me. hehe What I'm getting at is that I love this! :) Favorites. Definitely. Hugs! Great job!
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, Amy. that was goooood and painful. *ouch* your ending packed a punch, that's for sure. i love your images here, turning into a black and white photo and being shredded, the frail pieces, the torn paper chest... i agree with Dave that this guy would chase those pieces if he knew you would go elsewhere... you have certainly not lost your touch at all. this is one of your best yet.
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch! What a great ending! It's really funny how we take others for granted...I bet this guy would be chasing those pieces if he thought they were gonna blow to another guy.

    you're so good at this kinda thing...you create a simile at the start and ride it out throughout the piece and to great effect. This is really cutting and cunning and heartfelt...love the line -

    (Closer to your soles than ever to your soul)

    I wish I wrote that...

    Great images...very creative...very...Amy
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow indeed. You really have been checking out the abuse thing...its bringing amazing inspiration me thinks. I particularly like the last line and pray hard for the wind to blow :)

    "You act life picking up the frail bits would break your back" what an [censored] he is.

    Another triumph me friend! Kate xoxoxo
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      WOw I think that this is absolutely the best poem I have ever read on this site...as far as this type goes...it was so so real and true and artfully done. What a beautiful wonderful clever heartfelt poem, you have so so much talent.WOW!
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]


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