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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What Happened?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Scribbles1338
    ASL Info:    18/Female/St. Louis
    Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 169/167/37
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 727
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1018



    Description:
       I would really like to know what people think about this situation..because this is exactly how I have ben feeling these past few days. And a 14 month relationship shouldn't just wither away like this...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat Happened?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember
    I remember when your kisses
    Tasted like candy
    When every hug
    Felt like it could last for days
    I remember when my stomach
    Would flutter nervously
    Just from thinking about you
    I remember when you used to wipe away
    All of my tears, telling me it's all ok
    What happened?
    I feel the kisses, but somehow
    They don't taste quite the same
    And your tight affectionate hugs
    Have become scarce and stingy
    My stomach no longer flutters
    But my eyes still water
    And the tears still come
    But instead of the reassuring kiss
    That used to take my breath away
    I get an annoyed sneer
    Or a "reassuring" eye roll
    You tell me that you love me
    And I say the words back
    Echoing them through my mind
    I know you mean it, and so do I
    But what happened?
    I thought we were different
    But perhaps that isn't enough...




    Submitted on 2005-04-06 16:08:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      you know, i really enjoy your work, have for a long time ... but this piece felt one dimensional poetically, beginning from the title - sorry that's so harsh. don't get me wrong, there are parts of this that are good, especially after the bits where you talk about what used to be. emotionally, i was there with you, remembering licking into my mouth the last of the sweetness from his lips and thinking about how there is nothing more for my tongue to taste now, or pressing a hand to my abdomen to quiet the flutterings and now the caresses have become infrequent and have lost their previous intensity. i would suggest trying to include more of the mystification you feel about the relationship slipping away from a more plain talking standpoint rather than pretty poetics. talk about the first time you noticed a coolness in the heat of his affection towards you and how these things you now collect like shoreline pebbles in your beach canvas shoes. talk about how you respond to his change in attitude; give me both sides of the story. mention incidents, irritated looks that disappear so quickly that you aren't sure were ever really there at all. talk about how he doesn't offer you the butter plate at fancy dinners like he used to, really break away from your intial three examples/then-and-now comparisons. pain shouldn't have to be dressed up with metaphors; it's decorous and colorful as is. perhaps this would benefit from a change the format as well? actual paragraphs and more detail ... this feels like a story waiting to be told. let this help you organize your feelings for him, and maybe you can talk about this with him? anyhow, sorry this comment wasn't quite ... well, nice, but i think you can take this and do more with it, if you so choose. thanks for sharing this, and i'll pray that things get better between the two of you. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, that was somehow really really interesting! I really am not sure whether I have read any of your poems before or not! I think I didn't! But I think after reading this one I'll try to read more of your poems and may be watch out for your posts in the future too!

    And now about the poem itself; I think that this is a good poem indeed, I really liked it, I see that the subject of the poem is new (at least to me) because I haven't read any poem on this site or anywhere else discusing this subject and the way it was presented was good, -not great but good- (in my point of view), the poem is very well written with no spelling mistakes and that is a very important thing because I beleive that spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem.

    And I must talk about the tittle ( What Happened ), which was very well chosen and captures the minds of the readers (it captured mine), and also the description which I beleive to be a very important tool for the writer to use to capture the attention of the reader and to give a prior presentation to the poem and you totally succeeded in presenting the idea of your poem.

    I think the words were well chosen and the emotion was flowing all over the poem, and also the obvious sincerity of the poem which adds alot to the poem.

    I really liked the lines that say

    "What happened?
    I feel the kisses, but somehow
    They don't taste quite the same"

    And I also the last line that says

    "But perhaps that isn't enough..."

    It shows that you are honest with your self and that is a very very important thing!

    And about the situation itself, I think that it is a very tough situation and I advice you to take a break from everything and try to clear your mind and when you come back you will know what to do!

    I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      after 14 months, you WOULD think he might seem to care more...the way you describe his affection now, its not right, the emotion and feeling you put into your relationship, it deserves more...do you say you love him? do you really mean it? or do you say it more, now, anyways, because he says it to you, and it just seems right? He is taking what he has for granted, the worst kind of thing a person can do for their affectionate other, any, other, really, but it should mean a little more with you. Hope he comes to his senses, and finds you before its too late. Great poem, by the way, I know its a depressed topic, but the emotion put into it makes it relatable, and meaningful.
    Good job on that.

    TONY
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      you know, i think there is some good stuff in here.
    at least as good as it could be/as good as you allow it.
    having accepted after the title and first two lines that this piece is probably going to be a cliché, or full of clichés within,
    i think that your first eight lines tackle it well.
    and the thing with cliché is that it can work. it can work if it is not contrived and it is genuine and delicate and reflective and sympathetic.
    but i think the piece loses it all after that point, in my opinion.
    the tasting of kisses and the tears that still come and taking of breath and the we are different thing and the love and the love and the sickly feeling of rejection.
    for me, it is all too much.
    and i think that despite this i could have almost swallowed it, but you have given your piece no regard for punctuation or control or movement or any attention at all.
    instead you have just made a list much like a breathless teenager who throws points out before the last has been dealt with.

    this is just my opinion,
    not the law,
    or any law,
    and the light that can be seen at the start means this piece has to be worth working on should you want to.

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk


    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]


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