I yearn for the days when humanity was good
i long for those moments and for all that they stood
i cry for the years that have passed me by
i hurt at the pains that life made me try
i call for a god a being a guide
i call for an angel to be at my side
as i lose hold of those i hold dear
as my days of joy are drowining in fear
when no longer can trust exist between the few
when longer can faith draw me to you
then shall the shadows take hold of my life
then shall the night cover my strife
when ashes fall to ashes and dust returns to dust
u know that nothing cuts deeper than broken trust
I didn't think it was a bad poem, quite the opposite. I just think that your talent in this peice comes in bits and peices. The couplet of lines 5 and 6 are very good. On line 5 you sould use commas to make it more pwerful. It will lose some of its flow but I think that it will be totally worth it. I like your ending it is a good couplet but if you added one more line that didn't rhyme but kept hold of the central theme then you would be putting emphasis to the ending and that can make a peice so much more powerful.
Fuc*ing brilliant. Man I started reading it and thought...jeez, not another one of these poems...but then after the fifth line, it seemed to morph into a black hole that just sucked me in...but then it ended...and I got just a tad upset...but I am over that now. Nice job. Have a good one.
Submission Name: Broken Trust
