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A Beautiful Thing


Author: runedot
Elite Ratio:    5.07 - 46 /45 /14
Words: 567
Class/Type: Story /Misc
Total Views: 1028
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 3338



Description:


I wrote this for my Creative Writing Assignment for school.
All work was done at school...
I had to meet some 'requirements' for this piece, and that was to start with a 'trigger' which triggers a memory, which is the told...
Uh.. Yeah.
This isn't an actual memory though. It'd completely and utterly fictional.


A Beautiful Thing



As I sit cross-legged in front of the dancing flames of the fire-place, bathing in the delightful heat coming from the combustion of gas, my mind wanders. It wanders back, back into the past, searching through the many memories stored in my head.
And I remember…


The day was hot. The bright ball of burning gas that was our sun shone deadly UV-rays upon my skin. But I didn’t care. Today was one of those perfect days, cloudless and lacking humidity. Old newspaper was spread out before me and my right-hand clutched in its bony fingers the trusted tool of terror and destruction, my magnifying-glass of mass devastation. I carefully manoeuvred the convex piece of glass, trying to catch the angle just right, so that the hot rays of the sun were concentrated on my victim, Mr. Snail.
Smoke rose from the snail as it squirmed and writhed in pain. It foamed as it began to turn black, and for the briefest of moments I felt pity for it, but that soon passed. I flicked the smouldering lump off the newspaper absently as my interest moved on, perhaps it would become a tasty morsel for some lucky bird, perhaps not; I didn’t really care as my thoughts concentrated on burning the newspaper. Newspaper burnt well. Especially the parts with ink on them. Something about blank ink and sunlight going well together…

I carefully moved my magnifying-glass side-ways to etch my name with black ash; R-U-N-E-D-O-T; just as I was finishing up the T, due to some strange, natural phenomenon, the newspaper caught fire.
I panicked. Though such incidents occurred regularly enough, I had been careless and had not thought to prepare for such an event. I was desperately afraid. Luckily enough, the fire just, spluttered and died. It might have been that the fire felt pity for me and stopped its rampage, or it could just have been the strong gust that happened to blow in at the right time. For whatever reason the fire went out, it filled me with an irrational feeling of invulnerability. Armed with a sense of being godlike, I fetched a lighter to start a real fire, for what god is satisfied with mere soot when glorious fire is to be had?
Thus the fire began.

It had begun small, but I had carefully nurtured it into maturity, soon it was far too large for me to handle. Or so I thought.
I sat on the grass, staring at the ever-growing fire, the wind working against me this time, billowing smoke my way, causing it to swirl and shroud me in a coarse, acrid aura of darkness.
A powerful stream of water quenching the fire came as a complete shock to me. I looked around, dazed, trying to search for the cause of the water.
“What WERE you doing?” came a familiar shout.
My brother. I couldn’t retort with my usual reply though, I was too stunned.


As I sit with my legs stretched languorously, observing absently the fireplace and the dancers within, I think to myself, ‘dare I play with fire again?’ I smile as I gaze at my cat yawning lazily while basking in the warmth of the fireplace, ‘yes, I will play with fire again, but this time, I’ll take precautions.’
Fire is such a beautiful thing.




Submitted on 2005-04-07 01:08:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  It's a nice enough piece of writing, but not really up to your usual standard. There didn't seem to be any real plot to it which would have made it a nicer piece to read. The imagery is good but I think for something like this you need to have some kind of story line.
| Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
  When I spoke of description, I was referring to sentences like, "Old newspaper was spread out before me and my right-hand clutched in its bony fingers the trusted tool of terror and destruction, my magnifying-glass of mass devastation." It is clogged with adjectives and description, but not in a way that really adds anything to the story. And immediately after, "convex piece of glass."
Grammatically: "right-hand" should be right hand "I flicked the smouldering lump off the newspaper absently as my interest moved on, perhaps it would become a tasty morsel for some lucky bird, perhaps not;" the comma should be a dash, or maybe a semicolon. Also, a typo: "blank ink = black ink." Side-ways should be sideways, and I believe magnifying-glass should be magnifying glass; I'm not sure why you seem to like putting dashes in words so much. "ash; R-U-N-E-D-O-T;" should have a dash at the beginning at a period at the end, otherwise you've got a run-on sentence. "Luckily enough, the fire just, spluttered and died." shouldn't be a comma after just. "a real fire, for what god" comma should be dash-type punctuation. Finally, you have some verb tense problems, shifting to the use of had somewhere in the middle, and not being consistant.
Also, sentences like, "It foamed as it began to turn black, and for the briefest of moments I felt pity for it, but that soon passed" are perhaps not grammatically correct, but are awkward.
| Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]
  Although you had to have a "trigger," the one you chose is very cliché. There's a lot description just to have description, where simplicity is sometimes best. There's a number of grammatical mistakes, mostly punctuation and verb tense. The are some good images, such as "acrid aura of darkness." However, the memory is more of a blow-by-blow description, without much real content. The feeling that is there is lost in run-on, ill-punctuated sentences.
| Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]


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