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Butterfly revised


Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 107
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 737
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 655



Description:


I've gotten a lot of comments on the original. let me know if you think the original is better... I'm not sre if the title even fits anymore..... hmmmm?????


Butterfly revised



It calls me.
An overwhelming need.
To let it plant its seed,
and let it feed on the salt of my tears.
It calls me
To extinguish the fire I’ve built.
for me to wilt,
to put my knees to my chin,
as I did in my mother's womb.
The pillow to my chest.
It calls me
to stay curled, cocooned
in the shelter of my blanket,
the warmth of my bed.
It calls, rings inside my head.
I rise.
Choose to let it ring unanswered.
I stretch my hands to the sky.
Say ‘Namaste’ with the sun salute.
I emerge like a butterfly




Submitted on 2005-04-07 01:25:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Honestly, I like the original better. This version says MORE, but more of the same . . . so it doesn't really add to it, to my poetic eye. It dilutes it. And "Namaste", while it's one of those cool underground concept words that's been floating around in secret circles for a couple of years now . . . the way it's used is ummm, well, it's meaning is a little off with the way the rest of the sentence is worded, so I'd be careful with it. Save it for a new poem, would be what I'd say! (Maybe saying "to" instead of "with" could help, still... with the previous sentence it doesn't quite jive . . . see below):

Main Entry: namaste
Part of Speech: noun, interjection
Definition: a bow and gesture of greeting or parting with the palms together in front of the chest; also, expressing respect through this gesture and bow
Etymology: Sanskrit `homage; bowing to you'
Usage: namaste v


Now . . . there are some areas of the original which could be expanded upon to ADD to it, questions it raises in the reader's mind. I would welcome seeing you pursue that avenue, and see what happens.
| Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  There is always someone who will disagree but that is the nature of commentsopinionsthoughts - I've never read the original but the title caught my eye.

Not sure who or what the it is what you are refering to cuase its not being resolved in the poem.

The first line - I'd say well done "It calls me." this makes it personal to the reader - cause that's what happened this side.

Then on the 4th line "let it feed on the salt of my tears" - a touch of sadness - and for some reason why does "It" need sadness - as a need to exist Hence 3rd line "... plant its seed ...".
Then the 5th line "It calls me" without the full stop - showing progress and flow - not sure if it is a type - but it fits here so its probably on purpose. - Cause the first line states and set it Final "It calls me." with a full stop - making a statement and putting all the light on that one need.

Then the 6th line "To extinguish the fire I’ve built" - something bothering in the past or present - causing - the person to seek protection. hence line 8 and 9 "to put my knees to my chin,
as I did in my mother's womb"
and doing it double action line 10
"The pillow to my chest." - then again in a 3rd descripion on line 12 to 14:
"to stay curled, cocooned
in the shelter of my blanket,
the warmth of my bed."

Then the word "cocooned" - great description!
This is the favourite part of the poem for me - totally side tracked - reminding me of the cold winter ornings where you just want to stay in bed stuff the world let us sleep. - anyway.

Then on line 15 - "It calls, rings inside my head"
- describing the "need" as a nagging telephone in line 15 and 16 - good analagy - then on line 16 - "I rise." - as a statement - and as a decision. -> like rising to the chalange - put ignoring it ... "ring unanswered" - excelent.
Then the last 3 lines.

"I stretch my hands to the sky. - as if asking for an answer from above - for reselution or abselution.

Now the nest line was unclear to me.
"Say ‘Namaste’ with the sun salute."

Who or what is "Namaste" ?

But i like the end alot cause it ties up with the title - describing transformation and growth
"I emerge like a butterfly"

The fact that it was just one long stanza - i liked it. like that - the "it calls me" - seperated and gave the reader a chance to breath - nice job.

Kind regards
BX
| Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]


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