This is a very touching piece sanam, it seems to waver a little as it moves along. I feel your sad pain and honesty at some points and loose it at others. I think you could work on this one but I also find it a very sweet poem and if you decide to leave it as it is it still stands on it's own as is. I like the vulnerability you expose in this writing. Dan
it is painful indeed when soul mates are separated for whatever reason... it does feel like losing your very life blood. i think you meant "life vein" instead of "vane." this is just so hopeless and sad. it is important though that we don't lose ourself when something like this happens. we cannot be so wrapped up in someone else that we feel we can't live without him/her. thank you for sharing.
Oh wow! First of all I wanna say a big hello to my dearest friend Shabnam. I would love to thank you for writing such wonderful things. This is such wonderful piece of poetry. I like this line most " Without you my soul mate I am getting lifeless ", Because the life with no love is really meaningless. I agree with you. Wanna ask a question but I'll send it to you in the private messages. Lotss of love, Khaled
Well, that was somehow different and not usual! I did promised you that I'll try to read your new post and here I am fulfilling my promise!
And now about the poem itself; I think that this is a very very simple poem indeed! Of course the subject of the poem isn't newand neither the way it was presented (in my point of view), the poem is well written with no spelling mistakes and that is a very important thing because I beleive that spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem.
And I must talk about the tittle (Lifeless...Without you), which was well chosen to suit the poem and the way it was written, and also the description which I beleive to be a very important tool for the writer to use to capture the attention of the readers and to give a prior presentation to the poem and I think that you totally failed in that part because you didn't use it from the first place!
I think that the emotion was flowing all over the poem, and also the obvious sincerity of the poem, and that is a very important thing, as I believe that the key to the succes of any poem is how sincere is it?! Because poetry is all about translating our emotions in to words.
I also must say that the poem was short, may be too short which didn't help alot in judging fairly!
And about the flow and rhyme, I found them to be weird! May be a little bit unusual! I don't know I just couldn't feel it!
I liked the finale that says
"In mirror I reflect a stranger Without you my soul mate I am getting lifeless"
I hope I wasn't harsh but I am just trying to say my honest and fair comment and that's all because I know your capabilities! And that I think you can do better than that! So I hope that the comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
i have some really mixed emotions about this poem on one hand i liked it on the other i didn't but all in all i'd say i think it needs a little work but don't get me wrong thats just my opinion don't change a thing about it
I enjoyed the wording in this piece. It truly spoke from the heart and had a good flow to the words.
"On the destination way it is becoming meaningless" that line spoke out to me in ways you couldn not imagine. I really enjoyed reading this, Great job!
i have yet to know the person in my mirror i liked that part i also had found a soul mate,but my thought on that differed from hers i have or do feel everything you wrote keep it up
Submission Name: Lifeless……. Without you
