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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: acapone
    ASL Info:    32mnh
    Elite Ratio:    1.87 - 24/25/10
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 711
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 437

       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

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    Fear is all I can see in my futer.
    The fear of my forgotten past.
    So afraid to move too fast
    Screaming so loud inside my head
    Sometimes I feel I am better off dead
    There are so many things I can not see,
    my eyes cry until they bleed.
    I am so tired I sleep while I am awake
    Dreams too heavy for my soul prevent any escape.

    Submitted on 2005-04-08 15:42:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      wow man u have alot of thought. i liked this its great. keep wrinting man your real good at it.
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by mr mojo risin | [ Reply to This ]
      I noticed a few errors in spelling/grammar but its a good right and i enjoy it. When you said "I am so tired I sleep while I am awake" I can relate and I'm sure many others can also, for when I have a lot on my mind I always end up thinking deeply about it, blocking everything else so it's like im "sleeping". Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by Mia | [ Reply to This ]
      This is alright, though seems cliché. To make it more original, you might want to elaborate more, and give us some imagery. Right now, you get the point across, but I'm left unsatisfied. I wanna know more. O__ O

    Try to work on your rhyming as well. There's nothing to rhyme with "future". "see" and "bleed", and "awake" and "escape" sort of ryme, but I think you could find something that might flow a little better.
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by Wino | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this piece u really got a point across with this i think u should have put a title but dunno yea watch ur spelling but its ok we all make mistakes but i really like how u said what u were trying to say and how easy it was to understand. keep up the great work. bye
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by Evie | [ Reply to This ]
      nice write. you spelled future wrong but other than that it's fine. be a little more specific with what's going on because some people feel that way and say the same thing. if you put a few more details yours could be unique in a way that expresses you. i like it so far though.
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by binkerz | [ Reply to This ]
      a couple of erros but it was really good...the line "ill cry until my eyes bleed" was great its funny though i have a line that says ill scream until my lungs bleed! it was full of despair which isnt fun but makes for good writing
    | Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by turn back | [ Reply to This ]

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