Carry Me by C. Starr

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Submission Name: Carry Me dots

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Author:	C. Starr
ASL Info:	25/yesplz/State of denial
Elite Ratio:	4.53 - 125/172/36
Words:	213

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	249
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1121

Description:
Written in 1995

Carry Me dots

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Could you please carry me along with you....maybe in your pocket,
Could you tell me when I'm wrong and then just to stop it.
Could you hold me up and keep me strong,
And could you please just tell me where I belong.
If I could let you breath for me, well then you might see what I see,
Go ahead...lead my life and see how fast you would leave.
Could you help me keep my limits and hear my own words of wisdom,
And please....tell me of lies dear, for of truth there is none.
Though I would need you to walk for me, speak for me and please,
Most importantly, don't let me be the person that you see.
All the while you may freely tease me and taunt me softly,
Oh, how you may please me, even though you don't really know if you want me.
So just scream at me...
Then release me...
Love me deeply....
and forget about me.
Close your eyes and there I am,
Schememing in your dreams and getting away with all I can.
Now look...see...I knew you would leave.

Submitted on 2005-04-08 18:05:46 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  this was good -I dont know what the hell [censored] heds went on and on for over this at all . seriously not one bit why he had to disect (oh well if its a women then...)psst. anyway it -tiotally rediculous and not necesary
lamemansterms hey loquacious mind -come try that with me
lamemansterms
| Posted on 2005-04-29 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  Could you please carry me along with you....maybe in your pocket,
Could you tell me when I'm wrong and then just to stop it.
Could you hold me up and keep me strong,
well, the first thing that i saw in this poem was of course...the first few lines in your stanzas...or stanza, but i will get to that later...

a suggestion for future reference...commonly in poetry...mostly in modern day, there has been the employment of spatial writing...

spatial writing...or the aspect to which i am refering to in this instance, is the use of repition at the beginning of a pair of couplet of lines, but this is used in such a way that it is not redundant in appearance, but rather...perhaps i should start from square one.

in your "could you..." lines, i enjoyed the use of this technique. i felt that it would have been more appropriate for you to space these out though. when the reader reads the first "could you...", this is placed in memory. the next occurence of "could you..." hits a subconscious benchmark.

the mind says "okay, i have seen this could you once, now, what is the significance of this second could you? there must be some reason for it's recurrence...so what is that reason?". then, the next "could you..." line comes into the poem, and the mind cannot make sense of the repitition of these words subsequently, so it discards them all together, and the words paired with those lines/appended, without the reader even recognizing that this is taking place.

the reasons this could be 'bad', for lack of a less-harsh word are as follows:
1.) the meaning of these lines is lost in the appearance of them being 'redundant' to the subconscious.
2.) the effect of the technique is 'wasted' in a sense because of the former.

a suggestion, you could begin just one of your lines at the beginning of this piece with "could you...etc.", and lead the reader throughout the poem, to the ending, or to the climax/turning point in the poem, in which you employ another "could you...etc." line.

and what does this do for both you and the reader? well this does a number of things.

for one, this allows you a wider scope of custom-crafting. what this means is, that you are able to set up twists, and/or ploys/plot changes in your piece in order to alter the reader's original understanding of the piece, and to add a 'wow-effect' to the poem, because...

"...nothing is as it seems."
while you lead the reader to subconsciously allude to one conclusion of the work, another is brought to question. you create a question within a question, so to speak. this is a very useful technique. you can add multiple meanings, underlayings and tiers of interpretation to your poem, without taking away from the quality of readability.

in fact, you will end up enhancing the piece, and add to the replay-value of it. the reader will read the piece once, come to the second "could you...", and question themselves (and you) as to the true meaning of the work.

one thing i have learned is that a poem should, if possible, and if this is your intent, never be white and black. the reader should always learn something from your poetry, and gain and insight into your thoughts and imageries...they should be able to visualize these things racing through your mind when reading, as though they were writing the piece themselves.

this also helps to steer you away from the cliché circle of format and psychology for you future works, and helps you to develop as a poet. i hope i was able to prove of some use...
| Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
  wow! first before anything i want to say that this is a very good write. It has a nice flow and a great wording. The thing is im very torn between liking this poem alot and disliking the persons attitude. This person seems to be very clingy needing their lover or whatever close and have them control them and take over their being. Its a sad poem seeing the person just lose themselves and desperatly try to find someway to stay afloat though in the end the only one to save that person is themselves. Im not here to bash anyone, i really liked it and this is just my opinion
| Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]

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