Description: after looking this over i've realised it doesnt have any major spelling or grammatical errors, so what i'd really like is if people could point out what they like and don't like.... I'm hoping to get this published in my school annual, and they only accept the really good stuff. -- i've decided to leave in the first 'for now', as the line shows up later in the poem and i think it adds something... plus i almost want it to sound teenage-angsty and melodramatic. any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.
He Loves Me. Not. -------------------------------------------
He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
34 discarded petals,
Dusty pink
And celluliod
Lie on the gritty concrete floor
Untouched.
For now.
Once again
The answer is wrong.
Tear off a piece of the stem;
He loves me.
But by these rules
Unregulated, sadly
He must also
Love me not.
And so the stem falls
Spiralling, bruising ever so slightly
As it collides, gently
With the floor.
And so he loves me.
And he loves me not.
Pink daisies
Dictate my mood,
And black sneakers
Crush flimsy petals
Til they leak disappointment
On the dusty concrete floor.
For now and for as long
As he loves me
Not.
I don't think this is angsty teenage poetry at all . . . Not one bit. It's far, far, FAR too well written for that. I'm usually very critical with poetry, but to be utterly honest with you I'm really struggling to be on this. That's how much I loved it. It's the kind of moment of youth that everyone can relate to, it conjures up images of dusty sunlight, of fields and kids playing and bullying each other. Especially from a female point of view, we've all been there, and this expresses all that bitter innocence of youth so perfectly. I think your school would be insane not to publish this. Ok, so I am going to find something to be critical about . . . Where are your capital letters? Seriously, with your grammar, punctuation and spelling all great and professional, the capitalisation of the first letter in a line at least 99.99% of the time is a poetic convention. When I see a poem that isn't capitalised at all it makes me wince and immediately start thinking it's going to be awful and poorly thought out because the author hasn't even found the time to capitalise letters. That's really not the case here, so you should make sure you capitalise your lines there just so this looks as professional as it reads. Now, let me find some bits I really liked. The repetition on 'For now', whoever told you to take that out (if anyone did) was waaaay out. Echoing and repetition along with rhyme, meter and line breaks to highlight and isolate ideas is one of the central tennents of poetry. In fact, with a poem that doesn't have either rhyme or meter, it's one of the classic ways of holding it together and making it flow. I think my favourite individual moment of the poem has to be:
Black sneakers crush flimsy petals til they leak disappointment
Although I'd change "till" to "until" or write it like this: 'till Again, it's just a matter of doing thing's professionally.
Aside from those few lines, I can't really pick out individual ones I liked, because it's not the words themselves but the idea and the sheer wealth of feeling behind this that makes this poem so great. Wonderful work. I'd love to go on, but I really must dash and pick the boyfriend up from work :) Be proud of this, I would if I were you.
I enjoyed this piece very much. There's only one spelling error, disappointment has 2 p's, but this is truly nit-pickin' on an otherwise great work. I was impressed with your word choices in several places, for example:
dusty pink and china-doll smooth lie on the gritty concrete floor
I love the contrast created between the smooth petals and gritty floor;
as it collides, gently with the floor.
I appreciate the concept of colliding gently, for collide is such a strong word to describe the soft landing.
This is really well written, and I can see the aspects of human nature within the lines. I agree that the for now should remain as it creates a smooth closure of the poem. Great work, and I look forward to reading more of your work shortly. Thanks His Assholiness-
It's a very familiar poem in terms of feelings, yet simple in its references. I especially liked the part where the stem is picked. It reminds me of how both children and adults manipulate situations when we don't get what we want, and yet, inside, we already know what the true outcome was. That part of your poem kind of illuminated that part of human nature: wishing for things we can't have, making ourselves think we can have them. And when when the shoe steps on the petals, it reminds me about the side of human nature that rejects. Suddenly that which we had hinged our hopes upon becomes hated when it fails us. It only serves at a painful reminder that there are bounds we cannot reach, and places we were never meant to venture. I enjoyed this poem because it was relatively simple, and yet revealed so many key components of humanity. The message was clear, and so there was more time for a lucid analysis of your theme. It was a good read. By the way, I think "spiraling" only has 1 L. Just so you know.
Submission Name: He Loves Me. Not.
