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Failure to Exist


Author: Kaitylizzy
ASL Info:    20/female/Vermont
Elite Ratio:    8 - 284 /172 /36
Words: 181
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1183
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1192



Description:


A little scattered, not my best writting but I do like some of the ideas in it.


Failure to Exist



The bottles are empty,
the substance for life fails to exist.
The ball of yarn intertwined upon its self,
showing the reality of life,
For it cannot be unraveled.

Unrecognizable problems taint the floors,
copies of solutions hide the problems,
but these are answers tho the wrong problems
like finding a corner piece to the wrong puzzle.

Its both a nervous yet tranquil place to be,
looking down the drain,
eyes resting upon the darkest of spots,
knowing it is a mirror image of life.

The blood trickles down the dark drain like a flowing river,
It screams to find a holding rock, a resting place,
But the current is strong, it spins in the muck of world pools,
Spinning, flipping, ripping, threatening the small glimmer of hope.

Maybe the sky is right, life pleads to find the sunray
but, the loud thunder and blinding lightning embody the night sky.
Leaving hope gone, forbidding life,
For the bottles will never be full, and the ever flirting wind...


Knows that this life always fails to exist.




Submitted on 2005-04-09 09:57:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  not a bad poem considering you called it not one of your best. i liked the whole lot of anti theisis that you used throughout. this one rose slowly, the introductory para was amazing. the first two lines definitely lives up to the title. as we go on, the piece gets more and more metaphorical and fast. in the end it all suddenly breaks up abruptly and ends as well as it started.

i could understand the theme behind it. it was written quite well. the only thing that brought it down were the many typos. perhaps if you would correct them, it would be much better. i wont point them out since the other commentors have already done so.

Zu
| Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
  The bottles are empty,
the substance for life fails to exist.
The ball of yarn intertwined upon its self,
in your first stanza, its self should be itself, one word as opposed to two .

Unrecognizable problems taint the floors,
copies of solutions hide the problems,
but these are answers tho the wrong problems
should tho be to?

The blood trickles down the dark drain like a flowing river,
It screams to find a holding rock, a resting place,
But the current is strong, it spins in the muck of world pools,
should world be whirl? doesn't seem like it should, but just in case it was meant, i pasted...

Maybe the sky is right, life pleads to find the sunray
but, the loud thunder and blinding lightning embody the night sky.
isun ray would be more correctly written as sun ray, but i thought for this instance, you could have said sun's ray(s), since you were referring to the sun as a subject, and referencing to a product of that subject, so just to show possesion to the sun (the ray), and to be grammatically correct...

other than that...wow, this piece was quite deep. i actually had to think about the imagery you created here, and of what purport these held in my own life, as well as in this piece. you are very talented. just a few minor spelling/grammatic errors, but nothing which can't be fixed. this is going on my favorites list

loquacious mind
| Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
  sort of surreal, retrospect of going through life, looking for the answers and being confused, perplexed and basically feeling more dead than alive because of this. I like your metaphors and comparisons to life through simple items like a ball of yarn, which in fact relates so well with everything. Some small corrections to be made "tho" change to "though". And Im not sure if you meant "world pool"", which is creative in its own sense or "whirl pool" which is the literal term. Depressing abstract/real thoughts about life that can really hurt anyone...or make them enjoy life in an abstract/real way.
J.C. Prescott
| Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by jcpdandalice | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I think this was pretty well written. It left me feeling saddened and hopeless. It was confusing in parts, like the second paragraph. I really like the idea you're going with there, you just need to work on how you're going to lay it out, because it feels choppy. It sounds almost like you got this wonderful metaphor, and you desperately want to use it, so you're force feeding it to the page, or reader. Also, the first line to the third paragraph needs to be simplified, it would sound a whole lot better (to me) if it just said: "A nervous yet tranquil place." Other than that, I found it was very good. One other idea is try to cut out some of the useless words in most of your piece (where this technique can work) like: the, it, a, and words like that. Give it a try it might really improve this piece.
| Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by WastedYouth | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I really like this..if this is not one of your better pieces than you must be a WONDERFUL writer. This is an amazing piece. It captures so much emotion. I love it! I am off to go read some more of your other pieces.
| Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]


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