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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mona Lisa Repertoiredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Emma_closes
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 88/111/44
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 662
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 615



    Description:
       This was geared to be a bit nonsensical, but I found that serious undertones sort of crept out as I wrote it. Let me know what you think.

    ((on advice of the commentors I changed some of the punctuation to the piece))


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMona Lisa Repertoiredots
    -------------------------------------------


    She's just another
    empty face
    with a tainted
    broken heart.
    And she's spilling
    new sensation
    all over her martini,
    letting wishes
    fall apart
    as they hit the bar.
    Inside her
    Mona Lisa repertoire,
    underneith the waves
    of shadow buildings
    lie the empty days
    of shattered feelings.
    She misses
    purple skies
    and silver seagulls.
    She has a
    Mona Lisa repertoire,
    upside down
    and over
    her martini,
    hovering above
    her low spun curls.




    Submitted on 2005-04-09 13:44:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Too weird...I had just started listening to "Mona Lisa" by Nat King Cole when I saw this piece lol.
    "Are you warm, are you real, Mona Lisa
    Or just a cold and lonely, lovely work of art..."
    I believe the two go hand in hand. This was a beautiful piece. Poignant in a way. I wonder, what is this woman thinking about? In one word, "martini", I got an image of what this woman looked like, dressed like. Very good write. Be well
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this has the potential to be really great, I just didn't understand a couple of your commas in there.

    Inside her,
    Mona Lisa repertoire, and

    She has a,
    Mona Lisa repertoire, actually I can't figure out why you punctuate every line, it staccatos the reading.
    I quite like the ideas behind this, it certainly IS a serious piece, but I'd consider a re-write with almost NO punctuation
    Be happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes one can feel exactly what you meant,it started out with a nonsensical feel to it, then it does take a more serious curve, of life problems taken over her,she out of control,yet she can still remember what it like to feel love and beautiful.
    | Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]


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