To me these are many words put together to make frases that don't make sense, but since a friend of mine that read it told me to post it, I'm posting it. This is my first post so please, please feel free to be honest, and please give me feedback. what can i do to make this better?? this poem is not supposed to have any sense to it, if you see anything in it that u think makes sense, lettme know. it took me a long time to write, considering its my first one, and i would really like to add more to it. anyone have any ideas for a title??thank you
It may not look like much, a few words. But a few words can go extremely far, and you proved that statement to be true with what you have here. What you wrote could actually be someone's "lifeline". To me you show that hard times are there, but light comes in after and it will be all right, someone will bring you back. You have talent and emotion, this piece makes that evident. Beautiful writing, I can't change it if I tried. A few words can go so far, I love it. Great job.
This piece definately has much meaning to it... and you have much talent. I can tell. This could kind of go under friendship... For the fact that when the person in the poem is falling down and needs a hand there is someone there for them bringing them back into the light.
"As the darkness engulfs, The voice grows softer..." When I read this first stanza its like taking drugs or some kind of a addiction... it doesnt have to be drugs for example. The drugs take over someone and at first friends turn away and back off and let them do what they please.
"In the midst of obscurity, A light shines near..." Then in this stanza someone is actually lending out a hand for this person and realizing the only way they will have the chance to break free of this habit is to have a helping hand.
"A friendly voice reaches out, Talking me back into the light Back into life" and this is the line that shows the friend actually helped and become a ture friend... weither or not they are true close friends they are helping this person with their problem not matter what the case may be and stepping to the plate and seeing the good in the person.
these three stanzas is a beginning, a middle, and a end all together. Showing how someone fell down and then how someone pulled the person up off the ground.
great piece you have here. I really enjoyed it. But I don't see how you would categorize it under trapped. For you are not being trapped if someone is lending out a hand. I would definately put this piece under friendship... because it may start off as a depressed piece but there is light at the end which would put a smile on someone's face. It made mine smile. I enjoy reading peoples work and I do have one thing to say that i am not happy about... You shouldn't get lazy to write. because just by reading this one piece i can see you have a gift... and you shouldn't waste it... I mean hey Im 14 and my goal is to be published before im 20... But then again most people don't ever step into the writing career. they just use it to let out some expressions that they may have at that particular time. I am serious about writing though and when I see talent I let the person know that they have it... Maybe you could look at this piece as maybe you are falling away from a talent you have and maybe I am the person to help you realize it and I pull you into your true life of writing... you neve know...
you know...as scattered a piece it is-which I'm sure it's meant to be-your ideas still form together and it's interesting piece... so to the poem... "As the darkness engulfs, The voice grows softer..."
"In the midst of obscurity, A light shines near..."
I love the optimism of this line b/c first you're falling and now someone has reached out a hand to you...I'm betting it's your best friend that is leaving...
I love the use of the words here...it's subtle but violent...I mean nothing overpowers everything...the darkness=nothing, soft voice=everything...I don't know that's the way I see it.
"A friendly voice reaches out, Talking me back into the light Back into life"
and this somes it all up...you fell into a pit that you thought would never end but someone showed you a way out...this is a clever piece and a very sincere piece, I CONGRAT you on that... now, I must say that, with just a few simple words you did an excellent job... I indeed like the simplicty yet the complexity of this poem... good job -stacey-
This piece does seem like a "death" piece, but I got the picture of the subject trying to decide between life or death - kind of like suicide, but a loved one talks you "back into the light."
Very nice. Simple but complex. I like this piece because you can sit and ponder the subject's situation. Is she dying? Or is she trying to die? There's more that could be read into this poem, but that subject stands out most in my mind.
I wouldn't say that the phrases don't make sense, it's just that each thought is worded poetically rather than the usual day-to-day sentence structure. I liked the title, and it seems to say that this poem is about getting "saved" somehow, so I read on. "As the darkness engulfs The voice grows softer"
The first strophe sounds rather mysterious, -it is not clear whether the darkness is welcome or not, and why the voice is growing softer,-or even whose voice it is. This could be the hush of fear, or the whispers of forbidden lovers,–see what I mean ? You invite the reader to read on,– and we oblige. Next you say "In the midst of obscurity A light shines near", so we know it is the speaker who is in the dark, in unfamiliar though not necessarily threatening circumstances. He/she sees a light-and that leads us to next section.. We want to know the source of this light, and whether it is welcome or not. Finally, "A friendly voice reaches out Talking me back into the light Back into life:
Now it all comes together; these lines express relief, comfort, a return to the known- a safe place to be. This poem could be about a number of things, so perhaps that's why you say it "doesn't make sense".
You have created a gem of little poem that different people will relate to in different ways, and that is a very slick trick. The lovelorn romantics will see one thing, the dark fantasy folks another.,-and it will make sense to the reader just because they are coloring it with their own experiences.
Poems that tell all are often boring, and unless the reader relates in the first few lines, you lose them.
So there. Your friends were right. This is good, and it makes perfect sense,-you let us join the dots and color as we may. Silver
Hey deeps, its so happens that we are talking on msn right now...just thought that I would let you know, when you read later. We are talking about our class...again. heheheh nice poem, you have here, and I must remind you...YOU KNOW HOW TO WRITE POETRY, DONT BE AFRAID TOO, and DONT MIND IF YOU ARENT SUCCESFUL ON EVERY TRY! Consider this poem a success, it is still a little vague on some parts, but that is what gives it strength, its vagueness. As a whole, this works very well in and out of context. Just change calignosity, to whatever word it said in the theasaurus, because I think that you spelt it wrong. Cool "talking me back", very ingenuitive. hehe Have a nice night, day, and we need to finish our conversation, J.C. Prescott
Absolutely beautiful.. I like the feelings in this, though it is rather vague.. Vagueness is good to a point, but there also needs to be something for the reader to grasp and hold on to.. As for a title, you might want to expand this and make it a little longer before deciding on one.. Think about what this is about, what it really describes or is related to for you, and that will help you with finding a title.. Oh, one other thing.. what does caliginosity mean?
You just saw I changed this comment, cos that wasn't a real comment. So, lemme say first that I am really proud of you! First poem! Secondly, it is a bit vague. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I think you are talking about being lost? Somewhere inside maybe? Loneliness....or maybe even salvation? You can relate it to many things. I would suggest you put in a bit more, make it a bit longer and richer and then you can put the title. Or you could put a specific title that induces the reader to think something that you didn't put in the poem (it's a cool trick). Hehe.
I apologize for not replying to your question in a timely manner. This piece seems like a death experience "as the darkness engulfs, the voice grows softer." The whole piece seems to be a transition from life to what lies next. It is good. Really the only thing I see is the lack of commas. You should submit more.