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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Neverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darkwarrior
    ASL Info:    27
    Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 60/63/33
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 725
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 636



    Description:
       not one of my best
    but it could be better what can i do to improve it??
    imput please<<<thanx


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNeverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I never knew why
    my mind
    continuosly
    stayed
    caught up in lies
    livin life
    through a straw
    I never realized
    that I could'nt
    love
    if I never let
    ANYONE inside
    never gave up the fact
    that I needed to stop
    lookin back
    dwelling on the past
    it was love
    I lacked
    Because the rules I lived by
    that my mind was forced
    to abide
    and all the hurt I recieved
    took too much time
    to cure it all
    so now
    instead of holding on
    I continuosly
    fall




    Submitted on 2005-04-12 08:48:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      if this is not one of your best then i would certainly like to see one of your best for this is extremely compelling and touching... i can definately relate and i love the way you set it out, it makes every word strike home ... good job!
    | Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]
      i think maybe you should combine some of your sentences such as:
    Because the rules i lived by
    that my mind was forced to abide
    and all the hurt i recieved took to much time..
    it still ryhms and it gives the reader a sense of what you are feeling.. Try putting more emotion into your write..pour yourself and your thoughts into your words.. im not a genius on this stuff..but maybe i can help anyways great write .. Keep going....NICE FLOW , VERY UNIQUE
    RandiKae
    | Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by RandiKae | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with liliana,your wording is good and so is the layout, i can too relate to this, nice write, keep em coming x x x x
    | Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by secret kisses | [ Reply to This ]
      that was a very interesting poem. i can strangely relate to that wuite a bit now that i think about it. i really liked the lines
    Because the rules I lived by
    that my mind was forced
    to abide
    i can really relate to those few lines!
    | Posted on 2005-04-12 00:00:00 | by liliana1987 | [ Reply to This ]


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